ANDREA SCHNEIDER, MSW, LCSW
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Breaking the Ties that Bind: Examining Trauma Bonds with an Extreme Narcissist

7/2/2015

18 Comments

 
Breaking the Ties that Bind: Examining Trauma Bonds with an Extreme Narcissist

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

July 2015

 

In my private practice, I work with many clients who are leaving toxic relationships with malignant (extreme) narcissists. Many wonder why it is so difficult to leave a relationship with a partner who abuses them on so many levels. People with extreme narcissism demonstrate a propensity to hold their partners in a state of power and control, whereby emotional abuse manifests in the form of *gaslighting*, *the silent treatment*, and cycles of *idealization, devaluing, and discarding*(see my article links at bottom for further definitions). What ends up happening through the cycles of abuse is the development of what trauma specialist, Patrick Carnes, coined “trauma bonding” (Carnes, 1997).

Clearly the target of a person with extreme narcissism can easily fall captive to the trauma bonds associated with Stockholm Syndrome . Oftentimes, in order to survive a psychologically (and in some cases, physically) terrorizing experience, victims of this trauma bond subconsciously identify with their abuser. Think of the character in the HBO series Game of Thrones, Theon Greyjoy, where Ramsay Bolton is the extreme narcissist (really an individual exhibiting antisocial personality disorder or what many consider extreme psychopathy). Theon has been trauma-bonded to his captor because he sees survival and complete horror wrapped up in one person, his sadistic captor. Physiologically, Theon has developed Stockholm Syndrome, whereby his biochemistry is intricately tied to surviving the horror of captivity, but he doesn’t feel he can escape. He is intermittently kept alive and tortured to such extremes that physiologically, his brain becomes rewired to believe his survival depends on placating his captor. The above fictitious example may exaggerate what a trauma bond could look like, but it serves to illuminate how easy it is for a target to feel stuck in a seemingly intolerable situation.

In abusive romantic relationships, the abuser with extreme narcissism also intermittently develops a cocktail of “love-bombing” in the initial stages of the relationship where intense sexual chemistry, future-faking of marriage proposals, and whispering sweet-nothings of soul-mate status to their target creates an intense high of oxytoxin and dopamine, two brain chemicals which facilitate attachment and bonding (Olff, 2015). This neurochemical high can be as potent, some say, as a hit of heroin. When the abuser begins her/his devaluation stage, then the target will often cling to the remembrances of the initial stages of infatuation, attempting to move the relationship back to the way it was in the beginning. However, because the abuser with extreme narcissism is not bonded to her/his target, he/she has attached only on to their partner, like a leech, to extract what is termed narcissistic supply. Just as quickly as the abuser has extracted narcissistic supply, they quickly detach and then move on, leaving their partner emotionally bleeding, confused and bewildered in the discard stage of the relationship. The survivor will often at this time experience what feels like a drug withdrawal whereby depression, anxiety and complex-PTSD often develop as a result of the trauma bond with the abuser with extreme narcissism.

It is very possible for a survivor of an abusive romantic relationship with a person with extreme narcissism to heal once they leave the abusive relationship. However, swiftly beginning psychotherapy with a trauma specialist is essential, as the survivor likely show signs of complex-PTSD, given that the exposure to abuse possibly was over a period of quite some time (versus a short finite traumatic episode). Due to the length of exposure to abuse and the insidious, covert nature of emotional abuse, the survivor will need unconditional support from a highly skilled psychotherapist to heal. Stay tuned for a future article on complex PTSD for survivors of emotional abuse by a person with extreme narcissism.

References:

My articles for goodtherapy.org:

Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism (A Schneider) http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

The Hoover Maneuver: The Dirty Secret of Emotional Abuse (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

Gaslighting: The Slow Burning Emotional Abuse Tactic (A Schneider):

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gaslighting-a-slow-burning-emotional-abuse-tactic-0121154

Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unreality-check-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-abuse-1007144

Blindsided: Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse Part 1 (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blindsided-recovering-narcissistic-abuse-relationship-0607134

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse Part 2: No Contact Rule (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/no-contact-rule-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-0618136

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse Part 3: The Groundhog (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-part-iii-the-groundhog-0129145

The Silent Treatment: The Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

1)    Carnes, Patrick, PhD. (1997). The betrayal bond.

2)    How can she still love him? Domestic violence and the Stockholm Syndrome. (n.d.). Retrieved June 15, 2015, from http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/cp/cp/20http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3402118/07/00000080/00000010/art00011

3)     Olff, M. (n.d.). Bonding after trauma: On the role of social support and the oxytocin system in traumatic stress. Retrieved June 15, 2015, from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3402118/

4)     4) Kolk, B.(2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma.

**No part of this article can be reprinted or copied without the permission of the author **

 

18 Comments
Kristin Walker link
7/2/2015 02:06:51 am

Thank you for another classic example of how spouses, children, colleagues, friends, etc. become inexorably tied to what an outsider may view as a "nice guy/gal". I think when people hear words like "abuser" and "victim" they are thinking of our movie versions of psychopaths. Quite clearly these abusers can look and act like the nicest people you've ever meet but underneath and behind closed doors they are emotional ravagers. I had one wife tell me with such a defeated look (like the defeat of a lifetime) that her husband sprints from confrontation of any kind and always has to have everyone love him. I can't express how crest fallen her face was and I wanted to shake her awake, "You can leave him!" These are people that have made a lifetime out of perfecting the "art" of hot potato. If you throw flames on other people and get them to duke it out you can sit back and point the finger of "crazy" on them instead of the person that originally and always is striking the match.

Reply
Andrea Schneider link
7/2/2015 02:17:18 am

Thank you for your wise words, Kristin Walker...you are so right on!

Reply
karenvanderwerken link
7/3/2015 04:44:03 am

my husband die 2 and half years ago.i new he was abuses but,i did not know i was trapped with this much bagged.i have healed from the first stages still working on it with gods helped not man.karen

Reply
Andrea link
9/22/2016 02:08:27 pm

Karen -- I am sorry to hear of this...I hope you are receiving therapy from a helping professional trained in trauma work.

Reply
Judy Eiklor
9/22/2016 10:25:52 am

I was in a marriage with my husband for 40 years. It has been hell covering up for him, trying to make him happy and making up excuses for his anger to our children. He just recently told me has a new love (victim) that he met on the internet. I am an emotional wreck !! I have had all rhe symptoms and can be happy one minute and an crying the next. Please help me understand the "tie that binds" me to him. It has been 7 months and i shake all the time.

Reply
Andrea Schneider link
9/22/2016 02:10:27 pm

Hi Judy -- I am sorry you are hurting. Breaking the trauma bond can feel like you are going through withdrawal from a "bad drug" but with time and No Contact/Limited Contact and with the support of a qualified compassionated therapist trained in trauma work and narcissistic abuse, you will be more than ok. You need support now. Do you have a therapist local to you to help you through this process of recovery?

Reply
Judy Eiklor
9/22/2016 06:52:08 pm

Thank you for your response. No I do not have a therapist to work with. I initually went to a counselor but she could not understand my ties to him. My daughter told my son it's like he's my heroine addiction. I just read your article this afternoon and realized that finally there is a reason for what i am experiencing !! I am so hopeful i can get help for this. How do i go about finding someone experienced in this? I live in Binghamton, NY.

Andrea Schneider link
9/22/2016 07:47:01 pm

@ Judy -- I am glad you are finally getting support and validation for your experience through this article. I would highly recommend a trauma-informed therapist local to you to address any depression/anxiety/PTSD you may be experiencing. I do provide telehealth consultation (which is not the same thing as therapy) -- you are welcome to email me privately through my website if you'd like more information. Also for local therapists you can try goodtherapy.org or psychologytoday.com -- and it's best if they know narcissistic abuse but if not, they can address the above factors I mentioned while you work concurrently with someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse (sometimes that needs to happen via telehealth). Kind regards, Andrea Schneider, LCSW

Reply
Esmer
2/16/2017 12:39:42 pm

Hi, do you have any articles on help with a parent who is the N. I left him a long time ago but he is still in my life. Recently my 9 year old is refusing to see him. He is using all the tricks to manipulate everyone and make me look like the bad parent. She doesn't want anything to do with him. He is taking me to court. Thanks

Reply
Andrea Schneider
2/16/2017 03:36:41 pm

Hi Esmer -- take a look at Karyl McBride's work on high conflict divorce...When Will I Ever Be Free of You? Is an excellent book that describes exactly what you are inquiring about and answers those questions.

Reply
Jenni
12/18/2017 11:08:51 am

I really am desperate to find someone to help me deal with trauma bonding. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. I’ve isolated myself for over 3 years. I’ve worked with several therapists. No one gets it . I would do anything to heal.

Reply
Funisha Leonard Yarbrough link
6/24/2018 10:17:56 pm

I was with an extreme narcissist for 10yrs & we have been divorced for several years but i kept going back to him because i was scared, lonely, hopeful even, etc. But the trama from these last two discard phases have me so emotionally, mentally & physically beaten down that i can not function. Im now alone & on my own & do not have insurance & can not afford the professional help i know i so desperately need. I feel as though im going crazy! Any suggestions?

Reply
Judy
6/25/2018 06:56:42 am

Oh my gosh - as I read this article I saw myself. I was married to him for 40 years and the breakup almost put me in the psyche center. My children couldn't understand, nor could I, how I could "love" a man who was so mentally abusive, had so many affairs, who lied about everything, who couldn't say I love you to me, couldn't/ wouldn't talk about things and the silent treatment followed. The verbal names he called me made me cry all the time and absolutely no sympathy for me for anything even while I was recovering from cancer. Why - how could I live this man ??? I went to live with my daughter because I was on such an emotional roller coaster my children were afraid for me. I cried, I hollered, I drank. If it were not for 2 years of counseling and the love and support of my children and friends I couldn't have made it through.

I think I had learned to survive in that world I was in and couldn't break free. It has now been 3 years that I've been away from him and I'm learning to be a very happy lady. I still read everything I can on narcissism trying to understand how a person can be so cruel to their spouse who tried to love them. A note to those thinking they can change them - you can't !!!

Thank you for your article.

Reply
Dawn Mcewan
10/8/2018 01:49:20 am

I am trying to find strength to leave a narcissist. 8 years in. I live in Binghamton NY. I am pretty broken down and fragile right now. I think I need more one on one support or support group. So much to say but I'm.... words just won't work.

Reply
Ramon Jefferies
1/7/2019 12:08:36 pm

It started 4 years ago. The problems started in October of this year. I escaped as the relationship went up in smoke. I had to escape and watch it all shatter. I am from Binghamton NY. and it was so unreal that I still can't believe it but, I do now. Looking this stuff up non-stop has helped a lot. Nobody understands and nobody really believes. I have no true words either.

Reply
Thomas
8/3/2019 04:04:14 pm

Hi Andrea,

Sending my sincere gratitude for the insightful writing/post. Did you even get on to writing a 'future article on complex PTSD for survivors of emotional abuse by a person with extreme narcissism.'

If so, would you be able to please guide us to where we might find it?

Thank you!

Reply
Andrea link
1/14/2020 04:32:10 pm

thanks for your kind words. Working on future articles on this subject :)

Reply
Susan Crofts
1/17/2020 02:42:10 pm

In my experience, I am in a relationship with someone where we are both trauma bonded to each other. We are both aware of this, both had intense childhood trauma and have been on a healing path for sometime separately before we met. I have been no contact with my mom for 18 years and he is still in contact but in therapy about it. All the information I am able to find about how to heal the trauma bond involves leaving the abuser. But honestly, we are both the abusers, we abuse each other, we dont want to and we talk about it and process it. We have both read about trauma bonding and we see how it works and we want to heal together. I believe our individual healing with continue but our patterns are already there and I wonder if there is a way to support the relationship during this transition. I am looking for information, not on how to heal from a trauma bond, but on how to heal the relationship when a trauma bond is present. We have a daughter and we are in love. We see a future together and we are looking for resources to help us. Thank you for your time and all your beautiful wisdom.

Reply



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    Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

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