Hello, and Happy Autumn...just an update for those of you following me on Andrea's Couch blog....I have been busy writing for Psych Central on a number of topics (weekly) ranging from trauma-informed interventions to narcissistic abuse recovery, maternal mental health, special needs parenting, and other topics. Please follow my Psych Central blog, entitled The Savvy Shrink here. 

In addition, I have written many articles for The Minds Journal and goodtherapy.org  Please go ahead and click those online journal titles to locate the articles for those publications.

I also have a new podcast, also entitled The Savvy Shrink, which you can find here. 

Thanks for following me, and stay tuned for more practice updates. I continue to provide trauma-informed and strengths-focused services for my clients in my private practice and in telehealth consultation/life coaching. Still working on ebook updates and other projects. Just recently completed a comprehensive EMDR training. 

Namaste, Andrea :)

 Hello there -- greetings from blazing hot Southern California...Just wanted to point your attention to some new articles I have written for Psych Central on Narcissism and Psychopathy in the Game of Thrones here.  I am now a weekly blogger for Psych Central, and I will be writing on all things trauma-informed, including recovering from toxic relationships, maternal wellness, special needs parenting, trauma/loss, and more.... The blog for Psych Central is called The Savvy Shrink, which you can also follow me on Twitter, FaceBook, LinkedIn and Instagram. In addition, I got started with my podcast, also entitled The Savvy Shrink. You can listen to my first interview with Kristin Sunata Walker, CEO of everythingehr.com and Mental Health News Radio, as we discuss corporate narcissism here. My next guest, just interviewed, is Christine Louis de Canonville, therapist in Ireland and writer of The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse (2015). Stay tuned when that episode is up and ready for listening as we discuss the difference between co-dependency and co-narcissism.   Stay cool in the heat, folks! And as always, Namaste.

Hello there -- Summer greetings to you. Just an update for those who are following me on my blog here From Andrea's Couch.....I have a few new and exciting offerings to mention. Firstly, I am honored to be podcasting with Mental Health News Radio on my own podcast entitled The Savvy Shrink. I interviewed my first guest, Kristin Sunata Walker, CEO of everythingehr.com and Mental Health News Radio, on the subject of female entrepreneurship and workplace narcissism. Please listen and follow the blog here. It will shortly be up on iTunes and other online platforms. 

Also, I am excited and honored to announce that I am now providing a weekly blog article for Psych Central! You can follow my blog at Psych Central, also called The Savvy Shrink, right here.  As with articles I have posted here on my own blog, for goodtherapy.org  and The Minds Journal, I will be sharing knowledge and information on topics including (but not limited to) narcissistic abuse recovery (healing from toxic relationships in love/work/family, maternal wellness, special needs parenting, and trauma and loss. My podcasts will also address those themes and interview experts in the field who share my passion for trauma-informed and evidence-based interventions for our fellow human beings who are healing in the aftermath of trauma/loss. 

My website is due for an update, so please be patient with me while I work on that and add some additional tabs. My ebook Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LIfeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse (2015) is gestating a second edition with companion workbook, due date not clear just yet, but stay tuned for details :) 

Thanks for following me and journeying with me as we uncover and discover all sorts of news, findings, interventions, and healing practices in the field of trauma and recovery. 

​Andrea :) 

Hello! I just wanted to alert subscribers to my blog that shortly I will be launching a podcast entitled The Savvy Shrink!   I am excited to interview top experts in the field of mental health in specialities such as narcissistic abuse recovery, maternal mental health, special needs parenting, trauma and loss, and other subjects. I am very interested in bringing attention to evidence-based and trauma-informed interventions for those who have experienced trauma and loss, and it will be very informative to interview people who bring their expertise from a wide variety of modalities and approaches to healing. Stay tuned for social media links as this podcast is in its very infancy and website updates here as well. Thanks for your patience! Namaste, Andrea :) 

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

Summer season can be a joyous  time for family reunions and treasured memories of gatherings by the beach, fireworks, camping adventures, etc. For some, unfortunately, this scenario is not the case. In families where an individual has narcissistic tendencies (or exhibits behaviors of full blown NPD or malignant narcissism), such reunions transform into a nightmare.  Much literature has been written on the subject (see below for resources). This article is merely an attempt to remind survivors of narcissistic abuse in family systems that there is hope to heal and that there are things you can do to protect yourself from further exposure to the force field of toxic emotional abuse by a narcissist (or other psychological abuser) in your family:

1) If the toxic individual (whether family member/friend/boss/lover/ex-lover/colleague) will be present at the family gathering, you are under no obligation to attend. It is okay to bow out of any commitment where you feel you will be exposed to further emotional abuse. Remember that psychological abusers like to send FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt) -- if you are feeling immersed in the FOG haze, likely a manipulative tactic has been deployed to cause you cognitive dissonance and emotional pain. Again, protect yourself and place your emotional well-being as number one. That action is not selfish -- it is an act of self-care.

2) You can go No Contact with toxic family members, just like you would with a toxic ex. It may feel guilt-inducing, and other family members may not understand why you have chosen to proceed with No Contact. However, remind yourself that you have every right to protect yourself from psychological harm. The toxic family member may have done a very skilled acting job of convincing others that you are the crazy one (projection/blame-shifting) or that they are just perfect (false mask) and why would you treat them so unfairly (playing the victim)?... Stick to your fortitude and know you are setting a healthy boundary by protecting your emotional and physical health from further abuse by a toxic person. You don't need to justify or explain it to any one.

3) Such like an abusive ex, if a toxic family member is harassing, stalking, or generating unwanted contact, you have every right to pursue legal action and consult with an attorney or Legal Aid regarding filing a restraining order and other protections (like a Cease and Desist Order). The added layer of legal protection is an additional barrier of accountability and potentially containment of an abuser. Narcissistic people do not want to be exposed for their transgressions.

4) Seek psychological counseling to receive support for separating and extricating from toxic family systems. There are licensed therapists who specialize in helping to empower their clients from a strengths-focused (versus victim-shaming/blaming) perspective. Interview potential mental health professionals who are trauma-informed and know something about narcissistic abuse, to be sure you feel empowered, not shamed or blamed. Good psychotherapy can be invaluable in healing from any residual trauma, depression, anxiety that has stemmed from a family system perpetuating narcissistic (or other forms of) abuse.

5) If your tribe (by blood) has some toxic members, you can create your own tribe of unconditionally supportive, authentic and safe members -- these individuals don't have to be related to you by blood. They can be friends, colleagues, neighbors. Look for authenticity, integrity, reciprocity, compassion, empathy, honesty, accountability and compromise as important features in healthy relationships.

6) If a toxic person wants to get better, you can't do the work for them. They have to figure out their own pathway of healing and connect with the motivation to do so, and usually that involves a ton of therapy over a long period of time. Just because someone begs and pleads for you to stay in the relationship (whether familial or romantic), doesn't mean you are obligated to do so. If a person is capable of change, you are going to see evidence of sustained, continuous behavioral change over a lengthy period of time, with evidence of accountability and empathy and remorse for harm caused. For individuals who are further on the spectrum of narcissism, change is very limited and so is insight. A malignant narcissist/psychopath will not change...they are sadly welded to their ways and hardwired to be who they are. Someone with "traits" of narcissism may have some limited ability to shift and change if they can harness some insight and empathy.

7) It is not your job to diagnose your family member or determine "where" on the spectrum of narcissism your family member lies. What you need to focus on is : YOU.  I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding a skilled, strengths-focused clinician to assist with healing.

8) Read up on narcissistic abuse and family systems to understand your situation and gain some detachment and distance from the emotional pain. (see below for resources)

9) Self-care -- you've heard the word, do the action...good sleep, good nutrition, exercise, strong social supports. Yoga, meditation, stress reduction exercise, omega-3 fish oil, nature, journaling. Boom.

10) Have hope that you will move through the pain. Whether or not your family member is capable of repairing the hurt, you will move on to have healthy connections with healthy members of your tribe or those who you have vetted to become a part of your newly founded tribe. We are social creatures as human beings; humans need and deserve to be surrounded and supported by people who are trustworthy and respectful. Bottom line.

Resources:

McBride, Karyl (2009) Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, Atria Publishing. (references daughters of narcissistic mothers -- however, substitute appropriate gender pronoun -- the book does a good job of explaining narcissistic family systems)

narcissisticbehavior.net -- Christine Louis de Canonville's website on narcissistic abuse recovery

selfcarehaven.org -- Shahida Arabi's website on narcissistic abuse recovery 

blogtalkradio.com/mentalhealthnews -- Kristin Walker's podcast programs interviewing experts in narcissistic abuse recovery field

Summer time is often a season of playfulness, long daylight hours, rest and relaxation, and outdoor activity. For many, vacation and family reunions take place.  Where the summer solstice occurs in the northern hemisphere, the sun shines for the longest stretch of time, allowing people to linger outdoors, play in lakes, pools, and oceans, catch fireflies, camp, connect with nature. Some feel summer is a time of rejuvenation and renewal, while others harness the sun's energy and complete projects that have been put off.  However you view summer, the longer daylight hours symbolically also shine light on darkness, from a healing perspective.

Whatever your take on the symbolism of summer, I encourage you to connect with its meaning as it applies to your life. If we are to harmonize with the seasons, summer can be a time of illumination, whereby the sunshine casts laser beams of bright light upon personal goals, areas of growth and discernment, additional studies needed for personal or professional endeavors, or perhaps a return to the child-like playfulness that summer is often associated with. 

Some ideas for further exploration:

*meditation practice
*find a new hiking trail
*research classes (whether online or in person) to enrich your knowledge base of your profession or personal growth
*read a book purely for fun
*watch a movie for an escape
*luxuriate at a beach, mountain meadow, desert panorama and take in nature's bounty
*move your body in a new way, whether by trying out yoga, hiking, swimming, dancing, etc
*enjoy seasonal foods and recipes (strawberries, sweet corn, watermelons, etc)
*fine tune plans and strategies for professional endeavors and take action-- one action (no matter how small, per day)
*clear the clutter to open space for the new (throw out, recycle, sell items no longer needed)
*get a musical instrument and take lessons or play music that inspires and energizes or relaxes
*be ok with resting on a hammock and taking in the peace of the sun's rays
*celebrate friendship with authentic friends
*build a sandcastle at the beach or make a fort in the forest with your children or friends
*create a painting, collage, sculpture symbolizing the summer season
*rest, restore, rejuvenate and play hooky from work for a pampering self-care kind of day

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

I am excited to announce that I am in the process of being trained to provide EMDR for my in-person clients impacted by trauma. Whether single incident or chronic/long-term trauma, EMDR has been shown to be effective as a trauma-informed intervention for many client populations. If you'd like to know more about EMDR, please take a look at the following articles for more detailed information:

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: goodtherapy.org 

Can You Benefit from EMDR Therapy? (PsychCentral)

What is EMDR? 
​
EMDR and Complex-PTSD

Why EMDR Therapy Might Be Right For You 


If you'd like to consider EMDR as a trauma-informed intervention, discuss with your licensed mental health professional if EMDR may be appropriate for you. To practice EMDR, your mental health clinician needs to: 1) have a graduate degree in psychology, counseling, or clinical social work, 2) have a clinical license to practice psychotherapy, 3) and have taken the EMDRIA-approved Basic Training Course (which includes a total of 50 hours of lecture and experiential practicum, as well as supervised clinical consultation).  If someone offers you EMDR (i.e. like some "life coaches" I see hanging a shingle online) and that individual is not a licensed mental health therapist nor have they taken the EMDRIA-approved Basic Training, they are engaging in malpractice.  EMDR is an in-person intervention that is contraindicated for telehealth practice. 

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

Gaslighting. The Silent Treatment. Blame-Shifting. Push Pull. FOGging. Smear Campaign. Cognitive Dissonance....at long last, these terms are now common vernacular, thanks in part to DJT and his very public demonstration of how narcissistic abusers operate.  

In my psychotherapy practice, I work with survivors of emotional abuse, specifically narcissistic abuse, in love, work, and family. I wrote an ebook, entitled Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LIfeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse (2015), which is available on all major online platforms. It can be purchased (I might add, for a very reasonable price) at BookBaby.  What differentiates this concise and fact-filled book from others is that the author is a therapist and writes from a trauma-informed perspective, offering evidence-based tips for healing as well as several resources.  An updated version of the book will be available in the next year (with additional resources), as well as a companion survivor workbook with additional evidence-based trauma-informed interventions.  

It is important for survivors to receive compassionate, competent, and trauma-informed care from licensed mental health professionals who are trained in the clinical aspects narcissistic abuse recovery. With help, survivors heal and move into a place of thriving. There is hope for healing and reconfiguring a new life, free of emotional abuse.

 By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

As a therapist working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, I am consistently in awe of my clients' willpower, fortitude, determination, and courage as they emerge free from abuse and trauma. Whether impacted in work, family or romantic relationships, survivors of emotional abuse have a special kind of resilience that is akin to a possessing several superpowers. In the psychology community this striking empowerment is entitled post-traumatic growth, which essentially means rising to a higher level of functioning after experiencing signifiant adversity. Connect with your inner Lagertha (Viking Shieldmaiden) and read on below to "get woke" on your kick a*& superpowers....

When I first began working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, I came across the writings of pioneer Sandra Brown's seminal book Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists (2009). Unlike other books and articles written for survivors of emotional and psychological abuse by personality disordered perpetrators, Brown's book was the first I encountered that actually described survivors in an empowering light (versus the common victim-shaming/blaming tone that is so prevalent on many websites).  Brown is one of the first writers and experts who went beyond the "codependency" labeling of victims and actually sought to describe the many "super traits" (Brown, 2009) that survivors of psychological abuse possess. These emotionally intelligent qualities are gifts versus some inner psychic defect.  So often, survivors have been gaslighted by their perpetrators into a state of cognitive dissonance whereby they feel they are to blame for the emotional abuse or that some broken quality within them brought on the abuse. I can emphatically and unequivocally say that no survivor of abuse is ever to blame. It often takes months or years of therapy for survivors to shed this self-blame and shame.

Further rubbing salt into wounds, many well-intentioned survivor websites have popped up over the last 5 years in which survivors are labeled as "codependent" and in which victim-shaming and blaming language is bountiful. Some, but no means all, survivors have codependency issues that stem from family-of-origin dynamics. It is a trend for some individuals to hop on the (unregulated) gravy-train of life-coaching, whether or not they have done their own psychotherapy.  What I see online is quite appalling and would be considered malpractice if they were licensed therapists. Untrained "life coaches" are claiming to treat the very clinical concerns of depression, anxiety and complex-PTSD as a result of relationship trauma. (Basically lay people are offering to do heart surgery). The danger is that vulnerable clients who are hungry for healing from psychological trauma and seeking to find answers to complex-PTSD as a result of dizzying cycles of abuse can easily succumb to charlatan's victim-shaming lingo, resulting in further trauma and shame. Survivor communities have created forums which can be supportive, but on the contrary, some can also cause great emotional harm if not facilitated by healthy moderators (i.e. those who have done their own recovery work).. I have had to undo  the emotional harm and trauma re-inflicted on my clients as a result of their stumbling upon very disempowering literature (which can also be completely inaccurate and scientifically unfounded). What is most upsetting is when a survivor is blamed in some way for their abuse. It is NEVER a survivor's fault that they were abused. Period.

Again, not all survivors are codependent.  The vast majority of survivors I have worked with are actually highly emotionally intelligent and possess the "super traits" Sandra Brown discusses in her literature. Emotionally intelligent people are ironically very attractive to personality disordered individuals for the very reason that such insightful people possess the very qualities the abuser is lacking. Survivors of narcissistic abuse are not broken! On the contrary, survivors have SuperPowers that allow them to not only do the work of healing from the trauma of being in an emotionally abusive relationship but to also be great partners in healthy relationships in work, family and love.

The following are some SuperPowers that survivors of emotional abuse uniquely possess (and I should also add, need to be very protective of):

1.  High empathy and compassion:  Survivors I have worked with generally show an amazing capacity to empathize with their fellow human beings and creatures on the planet,  and the are quite intuitive, some with deeply intuitive abilities. Many have described themselves as "empaths," which basically means highly intuitive and with a deep compassion for other living beings and nature.

2. Great ability to reciprocate and compromise/problem-solve:  I saw a meme that showed a picture of a donkey's head poking out of a barn door with the phrase: " You don't have to be a Jack-Ass Whisperer." So many of my clients are outstanding problem solvers and also know how to resolve conflict and compromise in very difficult situations. They have great people skills and diplomacy. When they are in the throes of a relationship with a narcissist or other emotional abuser, they realize that to have to explain what is common sense (emotionally) to another person says a lot about the abuser, than the other way around. If you have to explain how to be humane, Houston, we have a problem!

3. Integrity and authenticity: Survivors are often known for their honesty and actions/words lining up very congruently.  An abuser is drawn to this fabulous quality because, almost as if by osmosis, they can assume the personality of their partner just by being associated with him/her and the survivor's good works for the community. Even though these super powers are something to behold and to be proud of, they are also qualities that the survivor must protect and not give away unless and until they know that the recipient is worthy of receiving such gifts and that those super powers can be reciprocated back.

4. Accountability for actions: Most survivors I have had the honor of working with possess an uncanny strength to be able to have the humility to know when they need to own responsibility for their own mishap and then to take action to make that change. Unfortunately, their abusers generally do not possess this gift, and thus, gaslighting and blame-shifting/projection exacerbates the already vulnerable position a survivor finds her/himself in. When free of abuse, survivors are able to fortify and reclaim boundaries in future relationships, paving the way for healthier interactions in love, work and family.

5. Willingness/capacity to evolve a relationship into mature levels of true intimacy:  An empathic survivor generally knows what it takes to experience a healthy love relationship. This understanding includes the awareness that at some point the infatuation stage will peter out and the roll-up-your sleeves work of true intimacy (and the "you left the toothpaste cap off" frustrations) of really getting to know one another on a deeper level unfold. Remember that extreme emotional abusers tend to home in on folks who know how to do the work of relationships past the shiny high of infatuation, including all the messy and not fun work of paying bills, child-rearing, house-tending, etc. We know that extreme abusers do not have the capacity to evolve the relationship to a higher, more mature level and stay stuck in cycles of idealize/devalue/discard. Survivors, however, can and do move on to experience healthy relationships in love, work and family with healthy others who are able to reciprocate deeper levels of emotional vulnerability and trust building.

So you see, there is great hope for survivors of emotional abuse to heal! The very qualities that were draws for abusers are also draws for emotionally healthy people. When survivors do the healing work of trauma recovery in psychotherapy, they move forward to gather stronger powers of discernment as well. When a survivor encounters a potential abuser, often times the "Nar Dar" Alert goes off as the survivor fine-tunes their capacity to engage in healthy connections with others post recovery. Most important for survivors in recovery from narcissistic abuse is to connect with competent and compassionate helping professionals who are licensed to provide psychotherapy for relationship trauma; broaden and deepen healthy social support tribe; ramp up self-care regimens, and to fully own and practice the Super Powers that have been uniquely bestowed upon them.

Here's to healing!
Namaste,
Andrea Schneider, LCSW