Greetings all....my ebook, Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LifeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse, is available for your smartphone, tablet, laptop, or computer..( http://store.bookbaby.com/book/soul-vampires )You can order the ebook through Bookbaby, and the ebook will automatically be formatted to your electronic device. For those who have Amazon Kindle, the ebook is also available here)   ...Barnes and Noble Nook and other online platforms will also have my ebook available in the coming weeks...

http://my.bookbaby.com/book/soul-vampires    there's the link!  You can now access my ebook via laptop, smart phone, or tablet! I will have this link up on my website tab entitled "Store" very shortly...in the meantime, go to the link and order a copy...do me a favor and review the book on Amazon!  Thanks!! :) Andrea

If you haven't already done so, click the link to the right, "Join my email list" so that you can subscribe to all blog updates!!! Thanks, Andrea :)

My ebook, Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LIfeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse (2015), is in the final proofing stage and should be released within the next few weeks. My ebook will be available on Amazon, iBooks, and other online booksellers. Stay tuned for more announcements!

" Targets of malignant narcissists sometimes don't know what's hit them until long after severe emotional abuse has occurred. The very nature of narcissistic abuse is insidious....it creeps up on someone, until they suddenly realize that the person they fell in love with is really just an illusion. 

The malignant narcissist is a masterful actor/actress. The harsh realization that their knights in shining armor never really existed is a devastating blow to most targets. They did not fall in love with a real person. This traumatic reality is what makes it so hard for the target to leave the relationship. A trauma bond has formed.

The target fell in love with a mirage. A false person. So the target must grieve not only for the loss of the relationship, but also the loss of the person they were in love with." 

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW  
Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LIfeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse (2015)

I am in the final editing stages of my ebook, soon to be published...for those needing support leaving toxic relationships, stay tuned for my book's launch: Soul Vampire: Reclaiming Your LIfeblood After Narcissistic Abuse by Andrea Schneider, LCSW

Breaking the Ties that Bind: Examining Trauma Bonds with an Extreme Narcissist

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

July 2015

 

In my private practice, I work with many clients who are leaving toxic relationships with malignant (extreme) narcissists. Many wonder why it is so difficult to leave a relationship with a partner who abuses them on so many levels. People with extreme narcissism demonstrate a propensity to hold their partners in a state of power and control, whereby emotional abuse manifests in the form of *gaslighting*, *the silent treatment*, and cycles of *idealization, devaluing, and discarding*(see my article links at bottom for further definitions). What ends up happening through the cycles of abuse is the development of what trauma specialist, Patrick Carnes, coined “trauma bonding” (Carnes, 1997).

Clearly the target of a person with extreme narcissism can easily fall captive to the trauma bonds associated with Stockholm Syndrome . Oftentimes, in order to survive a psychologically (and in some cases, physically) terrorizing experience, victims of this trauma bond subconsciously identify with their abuser. Think of the character in the HBO series Game of Thrones, Theon Greyjoy, where Ramsay Bolton is the extreme narcissist (really an individual exhibiting antisocial personality disorder or what many consider extreme psychopathy). Theon has been trauma-bonded to his captor because he sees survival and complete horror wrapped up in one person, his sadistic captor. Physiologically, Theon has developed Stockholm Syndrome, whereby his biochemistry is intricately tied to surviving the horror of captivity, but he doesn’t feel he can escape. He is intermittently kept alive and tortured to such extremes that physiologically, his brain becomes rewired to believe his survival depends on placating his captor. The above fictitious example may exaggerate what a trauma bond could look like, but it serves to illuminate how easy it is for a target to feel stuck in a seemingly intolerable situation.

In abusive romantic relationships, the abuser with extreme narcissism also intermittently develops a cocktail of “love-bombing” in the initial stages of the relationship where intense sexual chemistry, future-faking of marriage proposals, and whispering sweet-nothings of soul-mate status to their target creates an intense high of oxytoxin and dopamine, two brain chemicals which facilitate attachment and bonding (Olff, 2015). This neurochemical high can be as potent, some say, as a hit of heroin. When the abuser begins her/his devaluation stage, then the target will often cling to the remembrances of the initial stages of infatuation, attempting to move the relationship back to the way it was in the beginning. However, because the abuser with extreme narcissism is not bonded to her/his target, he/she has attached only on to their partner, like a leech, to extract what is termed narcissistic supply. Just as quickly as the abuser has extracted narcissistic supply, they quickly detach and then move on, leaving their partner emotionally bleeding, confused and bewildered in the discard stage of the relationship. The survivor will often at this time experience what feels like a drug withdrawal whereby depression, anxiety and complex-PTSD often develop as a result of the trauma bond with the abuser with extreme narcissism.

It is very possible for a survivor of an abusive romantic relationship with a person with extreme narcissism to heal once they leave the abusive relationship. However, swiftly beginning psychotherapy with a trauma specialist is essential, as the survivor likely show signs of complex-PTSD, given that the exposure to abuse possibly was over a period of quite some time (versus a short finite traumatic episode). Due to the length of exposure to abuse and the insidious, covert nature of emotional abuse, the survivor will need unconditional support from a highly skilled psychotherapist to heal. Stay tuned for a future article on complex PTSD for survivors of emotional abuse by a person with extreme narcissism.

References:

My articles for goodtherapy.org:

Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism (A Schneider) http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

The Hoover Maneuver: The Dirty Secret of Emotional Abuse (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

Gaslighting: The Slow Burning Emotional Abuse Tactic (A Schneider):

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gaslighting-a-slow-burning-emotional-abuse-tactic-0121154

Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unreality-check-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-abuse-1007144

Blindsided: Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse Part 1 (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blindsided-recovering-narcissistic-abuse-relationship-0607134

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse Part 2: No Contact Rule (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/no-contact-rule-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-0618136

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse Part 3: The Groundhog (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-part-iii-the-groundhog-0129145

The Silent Treatment: The Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism (A Schneider)

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

1)    Carnes, Patrick, PhD. (1997). The betrayal bond.

2)    How can she still love him? Domestic violence and the Stockholm Syndrome. (n.d.). Retrieved June 15, 2015, from http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/cp/cp/20http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3402118/07/00000080/00000010/art00011

3)     Olff, M. (n.d.). Bonding after trauma: On the role of social support and the oxytocin system in traumatic stress. Retrieved June 15, 2015, from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3402118/

4)     4) Kolk, B.(2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma.

**No part of this article can be reprinted or copied without the permission of the author **

 

See this infographic showing the course of a relationship with a narcissist, excerpted from my new ebook Soul Vampire: Reclaiming Your Life Blood After Narcissistic Abuse , forthcoming in late summer 2015:

I wanted to bring to your attention that I have several articles posted on my profile at goodtherapy.org :
  
http://www.goodtherapy.org/andrea-schneider-therapist.php 


please check out articles on subjects such as maternal wellness, narcissistic abuse recovery, art intervention, and special needs parenting. Stay tuned for more articles posted at goodtherapy.org and also here on my blog.

The Motherhood Consortium in Los Angeles had a wonderful networking event at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center yesterday...we were honored to have Dr. Walker Karraa discuss postpartum depression and transformation and sign her new book for us! For those interested in networking as a mother-baby professional (therapists, doulas, lactation consultants, etc), please check out www.themotherhoodconsortium.com for the line up next year...stay tuned for more wonderful presenters and networking opportunities...