ANDREA SCHNEIDER, MSW, LCSW
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The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist's Trick of the Trade of Emotional Abuse

11/6/2016

29 Comments

 
The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist’s Trick of the Trade of Emotional Abuse
By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW


If you have encountered a narcissist in love, work or family, then you surely have experienced the dreaded silent treatment, a tactic used by psychological abusers (including extreme narcissists) to hold power and control in their relationships. As written about extensively in the recent wave of articles on narcissistic abuse, an extreme narcissist is an individual, male or female, who targets other people for sources of narcissistic supply (or ego fuel) to fill their empty psychological voids. Most always, an extreme (or malignant) narcissist will engage in such emotional abuse tactics as gaslighting, hoovering, love-bombing, and the silent treatment, among others.

More specifically, in relationships with an extreme narcissist, the toxic partner (whether boss, lover, friend or family member) seeks to consistently take the position of one-up in which they are always in control and in power. When the narcissistic supply source (a supervisee, family member, lover, friend) is providing “good supply,” (or ego fuel) they are placating the whims of the narcissist, providing adulation, praise, attention, disgust, horror, or any type of reaction that makes the abuser appear to be powerful and important. The extreme narcissist’s ego is soothed when sources of ego fuel are behaving appropriately, in the narcissist’s mind. It’s as if the extreme narcissistic were developmentally stunted at age five. Picture two children playing on a merry-go-round. As long as the narcissist is being admired for his skill riding the prettiest, shiniest pony, the playmate will continue to be “privileged” with the presence of the narcissist.

However, as is inevitable in any type of relationship with an extreme narcissist, the target serving the role of narcissistic supply will ultimately fail to provide “good ego fuel.” Sooner or later, the lover/partner/family member/supervisee tires of the energy drain connected with supplying the psychologically impoverished narcissist. In time, “good” suppliers of narcissistic supply disappoint or even create what experts call a narcissistic injury in the narcissist. The target sets a healthy limit, questions the intentions of the narcissist, or requests a compromise, all of which are healthy communication tools. The narcissist, however, becomes enraged that his/her uniqueness is in question. Instead of taking constructive criticism, owning responsibility for his/her transgressions, and showing empathy for their ego supply source, the narcissist is incapable of compromise or any of the above healthy communication tools and instead lashes out at the mere suggestion of accommodating a healthy communication style. The target failed to admire the narcissist’s pretty pony and cowboy-style of riding on the merry-go-round.

Enter the silent treatment. What frequently ensues in the relationship cycle with a narcissist is the pattern of idealize, devalue, discard, The narcissist’s ego cannot tolerate the idea that his core identity is not so important to his ego fuel source, such that others would question his omnipotence and entitlement. Therefore, the extreme narcissist feels threatened that that target (who is like a mirror, reflecting back to the narcissist that he exists), is ceasing to provide adequate narcissistic supply. The narcissist’s very existence is threatened on a psychological level, to the point that he fears complete annihilation of his central core identity. His ego is that fragile. The narcissist pouts, refuses to share his cowboy hat,  jumps of the merry-go-round, and runs off to the jungle gym, leaving his playmate mystified and spinning alone, dizzy with confusion. No more narcissist. Gone. Poof. In the wink of an eye.

The deployment of the silent treatment is frankly one of the most sadistic, cruel and immature forms of psychological abuse. In order to usurp an albeit false sense of control and reclaim some stability of his fragile ego, the abuser suddenly cuts contact with the target. The extreme narcissist must reclaim control and power in the relationship, and the healthy boundary set by the target was unacceptable to the narcissist’s fragile ego. At this point in the relationship cycle, the abuser will cease responding to phone calls, texts, emails, social media and seemingly vanish from thin air. The narcissist will “ be gone” as a punishment to the target for daring to set a healthy limit or in response to a perceived criticism (which is often a request for compromise from the target). The abuser sadistically celebrates reclaiming complete control and power via the destruction of communication through silence. The extreme narcissist can see his playmate from afar from his vantage point atop the jungle gym, a new throne for him. His playmate is spinning with nausea, confused and worried, fearful and afraid. Where did her friend go?

The target often suffers emotional evisceration through a sense of complete bewilderment and emotional pain, given that no opportunity for closure or clarification is made available by the narcissist. Often times, the target is an individual with high emotional IQ, possessing healthy conflict resolution skills, the very qualities an extreme narcissist does not contain within their fragile ego. Extreme narcissists are incapable of accountability, compromise, empathy, reciprocity, and integrity. Since the target typically has been love-bombed or future-faked into believing that the narcissist was her knight-in-shining-armor or perfect boss, the target is often deeply confused and experiences the cognitive dissonance so common for survivors of narcissistic abuse. The extreme narcissist has suddenly vanished into thin air, and such an abrupt Houdini act leaves the survivor reeling with shock, disbelief, and fairly horrific emotional pain. There is no opportunity for closure.

The survivor is forced to create her own closure unless or until her abuser circles around like a shark for a  “hoover” (an attempt to re-engage prior sources of narcissistic supply). However, an extreme narcissist will never allow the opportunity for closure and will continue to extract narcissistic supply without any accountability to their prior transgressions. It’s as if the extreme narcissist feels so omnipotent that they can press a re-set button and avoid any responsibility for causing emotional harm. Some abusers will stay gone if they determine their source of narcissistic supply can see past the false mask the narcissist has carefully crafted. And in the end, no contact with a psychological abuser is healthy for a survivor.

An essential first step for the survivor of the silent treatment is to get off the merry-go-round. Your head will spin for a while, until it doesn’t. You will learn with No Contact that your playmate has chosen to be mean, cruel, and psychologically abusive. There will never be closure with an extreme narcissist, only pain when there is contact. He can have his throne atop the jungle gym. But he can’t have you, your life energy, your empathy, authenticity, integrity, kindness, accountability, reciprocity, conflict management skills, compromise, and compassion.

Your head will eventually stop spinning from the merry-go-round adventure in time. For now, you must connect with competent and compassionate psychological support from caring and informed helping professionals. Some support forums may be helpful. Read all you can about narcissistic abuse. You can and will recover, even in the aftermath of emotional pain. As for the extreme narcissist, he is destined to be alone on his throne in the playground.




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29 Comments
hong kong company setup link
1/5/2017 12:18:53 am

I love the way you write and share your niche! Very interesting and different! Keep it coming!

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Andrea Schneider link
1/5/2017 06:37:36 am

Thank you for your comment! Glad the article was helpful. More articles coming... :)

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Helen
9/21/2017 06:07:14 pm

YES! This is the most succinct, clear, lucid, and reality-based explanation I have encountered, after untold hours trying to make sense of a bewildering relationship.

Thank you -- and please write more!

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Andrea Schneider link
9/26/2017 09:28:18 pm

Thank
You! More to come on this blog, for Psych Central (The Savvy Shrink)- see also The Minds Journal and goodtherapy.org for other articles of mine 😁💕

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Ryan
10/30/2020 11:44:27 am

I agree, best article I've ever read on this subject and it completely describes my experience with an extreme covert narcissist.

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Andrea Schneider link
10/30/2020 06:35:21 pm

So glad it is a helpful article...working on lots of projects....stay tuned...

Jess
10/16/2017 09:09:43 am

I have to say, this has opened my eyes. I thought I was just out of my mind and what I felt was happening, wasn't real. It is. Eye opener.

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Andrea Schneider link
10/17/2017 03:19:36 pm

Glad it was helpful to you. Lowers the cognitive dissonance to know what you are dealing with.

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Heidi
11/3/2017 07:10:03 am

Your article provided important validation for those of us in narcissistic marriages or relationships who have tried all the 'normal' ways to communicate and have failed. As you described, this communication failure can leave the victim wondering what she did wrong and questioning her own sanity which the narcissist so smoothly, convincingly and deliberately describes as being off balance, crazy and/or hysterical to himself, to her and to others. It is only through repeated attempts at communication failure that I have been convinced that there is nothing wrong with my sanity and that I must accept a lack of true emotional connection for as long as I choose to stay in the relationship because I want to be with our children. I am trying to find sources outside the relationship to fill some of the emotional void, and this does not include having an affair.

Andrea Schneider link
11/3/2017 11:06:26 am

@Heidi -- thanks for your comment. Wishing you well and hope for fulfillment within yourself -- as you heal and fill your own cup, you will be able to generate that internal resource of balance and wellness. Hoping you can go No Contact/Limited Contact with the person you describe for your own mental health.

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Dianne
12/7/2017 08:48:27 am

I am so thankful for these pieces discussing narcissistic behavior
I’m in the middle of another silent treatment. It is punishment for daring to have a slightly off kilter conversation where I was told to “keep my fucking mouth shut” because I wasn’t listening properly.
So my narcissist disappeared and won’t answer texts or calls for five days now
I also set a boundary , which is not except able to my narcissist I chose to draw the line st being told to “shut my fucking mouth” and I said I would no longer except being talked to like that.
So now I am threatened with abandonment and estrangement which has been a resccuring theme I never really have peace or safety and security because I never know when the narc will disappear or reappear in my life
He uses this tactic because he knows my biggest fear is abandonment
It is a good painful and exhausting experience

And it is the holiday season
I will be alone for all of it It’s come to be an abusiv trademark of this man

Reply
Andrea Schneider link
12/7/2017 03:49:39 pm

Dianne- thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear you having a difficult time. Hope you can proceed with No Contact and reclaim your self-worth...connect with a skilled therapist who knows relational trauma and can help you to reconnect with self-worth. Better to befriend yourself this holiday season than to be around toxic people.

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Ann Swearingen
12/17/2017 12:42:36 pm

I have read this article and the way it's written gave me comfort. Right now I am recovering in bed from a long illness. Much emotional abuse later from my narc husband has left me weakened in every way. Today I thanked God from not dying from dehydration. I never received medical care as he refused to take me when I begged. Very evil. Very wrong indeed.

Reply
Andrea Schneider link
12/19/2017 11:43:24 am

@Ann - I hope you get the help you need and reserve. Glad the article was helpful.. Andrea

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Amani link
1/21/2018 03:49:04 am

Thank you ..I want to ask if I can make a strict contract with strict conditions to deal with a narc (he is facebook friend) ?
Or no contact is the only solution?


Reply
Andrea Schneider link
1/21/2018 06:58:41 am

@Amani - that's a complicated question. The more extreme the narcissist, the less likely they are to agree to compromise, limit setting, healthy boundaries...a "strict contract" may incite a narcissistic injury whereby you would feel the fury of the narcissist because you dared to treat them as a common human being, and not up high on the pedestal they think they deserve. If the person has "traits" of NPD, versus something further on the spectrum (like malignant narcissism), then this sort of contract may be enforceable....without further information, I really can't give you specific advice....they are many contingencies.

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Nicholas
4/16/2018 09:53:32 pm

Thank you for this well written article.

I believe I am a current victim of the narcissist female.

This is the second time she is doing this to me, cold hostile treatment and is even longer than the first one I encountered.

She was all lovely dovey prior to this, with all the hugs and kisses, and in just a couple of days, she suddenly turned cold and refused to talk like before, like a totally changed person.

She would not admit what went wrong or if i did anything wrong but I could trace back to the time where i casually rebutted her. I guess i damaged her ego badly and from then on her txt messages became colder and colder to the point of being hostile.

Her sudden change led me dazed confused and emotionally hurt. But i recalled she mentioned she knew how to control me after the first cold/silent treatment from her.

I have emotions for her and i am feeling extremely hurt by her behavior, but slowly after doing some internet research, i came to the conclusion that she is a narcissist, as clearly pointed out in your article.

Reply
Andrea Schneider link
4/17/2018 07:10:19 am

Thanks for the comment, Nicholas. Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. It is true that narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, genders, etc...NPD does not discriminate. I hope you can get some compassionate trauma-informed counseling to help you in recovery. Best wishes.

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hurt kleinschmidt
4/24/2018 12:20:56 am

Thank you for this. I have been in this terrible spot for quite some time. He is a monster and a terrible man. The silent treatment is the only weapon he has since he is afraid of his own shadow. I don’t know him anymore.

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Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW link
9/9/2018 09:28:18 am

I hope you get the help you need. Glad the article was helpful.

Reply
Christine
4/27/2018 12:32:05 pm

This article helped me very much. I was involved with a narcissist for about 7 months. He went against everything I believed in. Three ex wives, family members who disowned him and I believed all his comments that it was all their fault. He love bombed me, used sappy names, texted constantly and then we started to argue constantly. He wanted to be my knight in shining armor but I wasn't allowed to have my own opinions, beliefs, etc. He was loud, always about him, never said I'm sorry, all the classic signals that I ignored. Gradually, his texts and calls were less and I barely saw him. When I began to question him, he completely gave me the silent treatment and I have had no contact with him in about two months. I realize that the last call I made which he promptly put to voicemail, in which I said how much he hurt me, meant nothing to him. I don't know how I avoided all the bells and whistles but the more I read, the more I see this is what he is. I know I will heal and I will never have anything to do with him again. Am I wrong to hope that he winds up alone, never finding any true happiness? I feel guilty hoping that karma catches up with him. As I look back, I don't think this guy has ever been happy or expressed real love.

Reply
Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW link
9/9/2018 09:29:15 am

I am glad the blog post was helpful. The best "revenge" is a life well lived without any abuse. Karma will take care of the rest.

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Denise Daly
7/11/2018 07:42:13 am

I am so relieved to read articles such as the above. I have lived with a malignant Mother for over 50 years. She constantly plays the silent treatment with me while making sure I find out that she is in constant contact with her favoured children. I am lucky in that I have two siblings and a sister in law who now see her for what she is but only because she has now turned her narcissistic behaviour on them. It is the worst form of abuse and has driven me very close to the edge. She is also a street Angel so outsiders think I am being mean to her.

Reply
Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW link
9/9/2018 09:30:12 am

I am glad you have support in your extended family network. You may also want to check out the work of Karyl McBride --- willieverbegoodenough.com

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Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW link
9/9/2018 09:26:56 am

Glad the article was helpful. If you quote from my blog, obviously you need to cite the author and link back to the original post. Thanks.

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Traniece
2/5/2019 09:03:04 am

This article is extremely helpful to me. I have allow a Narc to come back twice. I have noticed such a pattern. First it started with the small white lies and then I was able to hear and see the bigger lies that were hidden. I had no idea that there was ever a such thing called, "narcissist abuse" I started researching this behavior on YouTube and came across the phrase. I actually work with one and we were previously dating. Once I became "less valuable" the discard process started. So many lies was told about me around the job. I gained my power back by going to therapy and then surrounding myself with other women who actually appreciates me and everything that I do. Thanks for the article. Looking forward to reading more of the stories.

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David
2/18/2019 08:00:37 am

Thank you for the article. I currently am experiencing the silent treatment from a very narcissistic ex. My sin was to send her an email and offer peace. I made it clear I didn't want the relationship back. I just offered peace and harmony. Of course, she never responded, which in itself is an answer.

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killian
3/31/2019 10:00:34 am

I am also in the same boat with my covert narc ex girlfriend. We dated for 8 months during which time I also bonded with her child. Dumped me like a used tissue with no emotion. Never returned my affection in a meaningful way during the relationship. I would drop everything for her but she didn't even ask to meet my friends or family once. The prefer to do the dirty work in isolation behind closed doors. Although their facade is a good one. She is damaged from childhood and it can't be helped. I never got closure as her reasons for dumping me changed every time we met. I tried to reach out, got a text or two and then nothing. She was seething with anger at me a lot and blamed me for everything, never bother to remember anything good I did, just the bad and the perceived slights which are so hard to get your head around. She dumped me even though I never cheated, abused, controlled or dominated her. I think I caused injury to her ego when I pointed out her lack of reciprocal affection in the relationship and also her latent negativity at times. She even blame-shifted the breakup by saying "I know I'm crazy but you knew what you were getting into" so it was my fault! In the end you were unfortunately just a new toy. I should have saw the red flag when early in the relationship she told me she got bored easily. In the end these people lack the emotional maturity to form deep meaningful connections in relationships, true deep bonds. As soon as you stop amusing them and challenge them, they are gone... Hope your recovery is a speedy one.

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N
1/12/2022 08:48:47 pm

Such a fantastic article! How can you distinguish between someone genuinely struggling with communication or freeze responses that are out of their control (perhaps due to not being modelled healthy communication of needs/boundaries, and conflict resolution) versus someone who is highly narcissistic? For example, the communication might be on all their terms or timelines, lacking understanding and empathy of their inaction or silence on the receiving party. They seem to know they have an issue with communication, shutting down, esp when not doing well, but they don't seem to know how to fix this, or perhaps they don't want to. The issue is, how do you know it is trauma vs actual narcissistic manipulation or abuse?

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