UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM AND HOW TO HEAL
By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW
How to Recognize A Malignant Narcissist
We encounter self-serving individuals in many settings, including work, family, and relationships. We may call these people “narcissistic,” or, if we want to get really technical about it—“people with narcissistic traits.”
Instead of viewing narcissism as a black and white category, view it as a spectrum with different people taking a spot somewhere on that spectrum.
In fact, it might be said, almost all of us have some degree of narcissistic traits. Looking out for one’s self and one’s own needs is not always a bad thing, in fact it’s necessary to being a happy person and being in positive relationships with others.
Some individuals, however, are over the top in serving themselves and cause emotional harm in the lives of people they interact with. These people are often labeled “malignant narcissists.”
The good news is that healing is possible for those who have been impacted by a narcissistic individual in love, work or family. What is most beneficial for those leaving such relationships is a skilled, compassionate psychotherapist who is trained in recovery work, a commitment to no/limited contact with the toxic individual, and potentially an in-person or online qualified support group. There is hope for survivors to reach a place of thriving and develop healthy relationships with safe, emotionally healthy others.
How to Protect Yourself
How do you protect yourself and develop a good Nar-Dar (narcissist radar) to steer clear of such folks? Watch for the following:
*Inflated sense of self worth (usually based on a sense of inferiority)
*Grandiose claims of fame, wealth, status, accomplishments
*Charming, engaging, and seductive “salesperson” type personality designed to lower your guard (in order to lower defenses and allow attachment to occur)
*Exploitive personality (the narcissistic person seeks to target individuals to inflate their self-worth, via associating with famous/wealthy/beautiful/intelligent/resourceful/empathic people in work/home/relationships).
*Impaired sense of reciprocity – it’s all about him/her (one way communication)
*Shallow emotional range (may appear charming on the surface, but insight doesn’t run too deep)
*Difficulty with compromise (“my way or the highway” mentality)
*Rarely owns responsibility for their transgressions or emotional harm caused to targets (limited insight and empathy)
*Narcissists target people to use as narcissistic supply, not unlike a vampire extracting blood, to fuel their ego.
* Avoid dating relationships that have an “otherworldly, sweep-you-off-you-feet” quality that almost seem too good to be true. Because it likely IS too good to be true. Healthy dating relationships take time to build true intimacy. A narcissist will often rush the pacing of the connection so that he/she can secure their Narcissistic Supply (ego-inflating attention derived from targets).
*Even if you feel captivated by your suitor, keep in mind that sexual chemistry does not necessary evolve or equate to true intimacy.
*Beware of potential dating partners who are seductive and profess that you are soul mates after only knowing you for a few days or months. Again, pace the relationship in such a way that your dating partner’s true self comes forth gradually so you are well aware of who you are dating and what they are capable of (is there evidence of mature love, trust, respect, reciprocity, empathy, compromise, humility, owning responsibility for their imperfections?)
*Be cautious with dating websites which may mask potential narcissists behind their profile. Get to know the dating prospect in person, in a safe, neutral environment and proceed forth cautiously.
How to Deal With a Narcissist
*Do your best not to-- If at all possible, if you suspect a friend/co-worker/lover/family member has narcissistic traits or may be a full blown narcissist, the best, emotionally safest course of action is to not interact with this individual.
*If, however, you must interact with a narcissist due to work obligations, etc.:
*Keep contact minimal and strictly on point regarding work assignments
*Consult a psychotherapist who specializes in this area who can help you to create solid boundaries and personal safety.
Healing
Most individuals are emotionally traumatized by their toxic encounter with a narcissist and need emotional support from qualified, trained psychotherapists and support groups who can assist in healing.
Psychotherapy usually involves crisis debriefing, cognitive restructuring, narration of story to master trauma, resolving cognitive dissonance, psychoeducation on narcissism and grief counseling regarding a relationship that never existed on an authentic level. Supportive, skilled psychotherapy is essential for healing and resolving the emotional trauma.
The good news is that healing is possible for those who have been impacted by a narcissistic individual in love, work or family. What is most beneficial for those leaving such relationships is a skilled, compassionate psychotherapist who is trained in recovery work, a commitment to no/limited contact with the toxic individual, and potentially an in-person or online qualified support group There is hope for survivors to reach a place of thriving and develop healthy relationships with safe, emotionally healthy others.
Consult a licensed psychotherapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery in addition to locating a qualified support group to help you through this time. You will recover. You will heal. But, it will take time and the assistance of qualified professionals who understand what you have endured and how to help you to reclaim your self-esteem.
Further reading
1. Saferelationshipsmagazine.com: Sandra A. Brown, MA’s website and resources related to abuse recovery from unhealthy relationships
2. Lisaescott.com: The Path Forward online forum and support network for survivors of narcissistic abuse
3. Baggagereclaim.com: A website dedicated to individuals healing from relationships with emotionally-unavailable people (including narcissists)
4. Outofthefog.com: A website with support and resources for people moving forward from abusive relationships
5. Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
6. Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
7. Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare
8. Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PhD
9. Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward
10. Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy HotchKiss, LCSW
11. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW
12. Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move On by Cythnia Zayn and Kevin Dibble
13. Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, LCSW
14. Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason, MS
15. Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
16. Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life: At Home, At Work, With Friends by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD
By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW
How to Recognize A Malignant Narcissist
We encounter self-serving individuals in many settings, including work, family, and relationships. We may call these people “narcissistic,” or, if we want to get really technical about it—“people with narcissistic traits.”
Instead of viewing narcissism as a black and white category, view it as a spectrum with different people taking a spot somewhere on that spectrum.
In fact, it might be said, almost all of us have some degree of narcissistic traits. Looking out for one’s self and one’s own needs is not always a bad thing, in fact it’s necessary to being a happy person and being in positive relationships with others.
Some individuals, however, are over the top in serving themselves and cause emotional harm in the lives of people they interact with. These people are often labeled “malignant narcissists.”
The good news is that healing is possible for those who have been impacted by a narcissistic individual in love, work or family. What is most beneficial for those leaving such relationships is a skilled, compassionate psychotherapist who is trained in recovery work, a commitment to no/limited contact with the toxic individual, and potentially an in-person or online qualified support group. There is hope for survivors to reach a place of thriving and develop healthy relationships with safe, emotionally healthy others.
How to Protect Yourself
How do you protect yourself and develop a good Nar-Dar (narcissist radar) to steer clear of such folks? Watch for the following:
*Inflated sense of self worth (usually based on a sense of inferiority)
*Grandiose claims of fame, wealth, status, accomplishments
*Charming, engaging, and seductive “salesperson” type personality designed to lower your guard (in order to lower defenses and allow attachment to occur)
*Exploitive personality (the narcissistic person seeks to target individuals to inflate their self-worth, via associating with famous/wealthy/beautiful/intelligent/resourceful/empathic people in work/home/relationships).
*Impaired sense of reciprocity – it’s all about him/her (one way communication)
*Shallow emotional range (may appear charming on the surface, but insight doesn’t run too deep)
*Difficulty with compromise (“my way or the highway” mentality)
*Rarely owns responsibility for their transgressions or emotional harm caused to targets (limited insight and empathy)
*Narcissists target people to use as narcissistic supply, not unlike a vampire extracting blood, to fuel their ego.
* Avoid dating relationships that have an “otherworldly, sweep-you-off-you-feet” quality that almost seem too good to be true. Because it likely IS too good to be true. Healthy dating relationships take time to build true intimacy. A narcissist will often rush the pacing of the connection so that he/she can secure their Narcissistic Supply (ego-inflating attention derived from targets).
*Even if you feel captivated by your suitor, keep in mind that sexual chemistry does not necessary evolve or equate to true intimacy.
*Beware of potential dating partners who are seductive and profess that you are soul mates after only knowing you for a few days or months. Again, pace the relationship in such a way that your dating partner’s true self comes forth gradually so you are well aware of who you are dating and what they are capable of (is there evidence of mature love, trust, respect, reciprocity, empathy, compromise, humility, owning responsibility for their imperfections?)
*Be cautious with dating websites which may mask potential narcissists behind their profile. Get to know the dating prospect in person, in a safe, neutral environment and proceed forth cautiously.
How to Deal With a Narcissist
*Do your best not to-- If at all possible, if you suspect a friend/co-worker/lover/family member has narcissistic traits or may be a full blown narcissist, the best, emotionally safest course of action is to not interact with this individual.
*If, however, you must interact with a narcissist due to work obligations, etc.:
*Keep contact minimal and strictly on point regarding work assignments
*Consult a psychotherapist who specializes in this area who can help you to create solid boundaries and personal safety.
Healing
Most individuals are emotionally traumatized by their toxic encounter with a narcissist and need emotional support from qualified, trained psychotherapists and support groups who can assist in healing.
Psychotherapy usually involves crisis debriefing, cognitive restructuring, narration of story to master trauma, resolving cognitive dissonance, psychoeducation on narcissism and grief counseling regarding a relationship that never existed on an authentic level. Supportive, skilled psychotherapy is essential for healing and resolving the emotional trauma.
The good news is that healing is possible for those who have been impacted by a narcissistic individual in love, work or family. What is most beneficial for those leaving such relationships is a skilled, compassionate psychotherapist who is trained in recovery work, a commitment to no/limited contact with the toxic individual, and potentially an in-person or online qualified support group There is hope for survivors to reach a place of thriving and develop healthy relationships with safe, emotionally healthy others.
Consult a licensed psychotherapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery in addition to locating a qualified support group to help you through this time. You will recover. You will heal. But, it will take time and the assistance of qualified professionals who understand what you have endured and how to help you to reclaim your self-esteem.
Further reading
1. Saferelationshipsmagazine.com: Sandra A. Brown, MA’s website and resources related to abuse recovery from unhealthy relationships
2. Lisaescott.com: The Path Forward online forum and support network for survivors of narcissistic abuse
3. Baggagereclaim.com: A website dedicated to individuals healing from relationships with emotionally-unavailable people (including narcissists)
4. Outofthefog.com: A website with support and resources for people moving forward from abusive relationships
5. Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
6. Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
7. Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare
8. Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PhD
9. Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward
10. Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy HotchKiss, LCSW
11. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW
12. Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move On by Cythnia Zayn and Kevin Dibble
13. Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, LCSW
14. Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason, MS
15. Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
16. Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life: At Home, At Work, With Friends by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD