By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

As a therapist working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, I am consistently in awe of my clients' willpower, fortitude, determination, and courage as they emerge free from abuse and trauma. Whether impacted in work, family or romantic relationships, survivors of emotional abuse have a special kind of resilience that is akin to a possessing several superpowers. In the psychology community this striking empowerment is entitled post-traumatic growth, which essentially means rising to a higher level of functioning after experiencing signifiant adversity. Connect with your inner Lagertha (Viking Shieldmaiden) and read on below to "get woke" on your kick a*& superpowers....

When I first began working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, I came across the writings of pioneer Sandra Brown's seminal book Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists (2009). Unlike other books and articles written for survivors of emotional and psychological abuse by personality disordered perpetrators, Brown's book was the first I encountered that actually described survivors in an empowering light (versus the common victim-shaming/blaming tone that is so prevalent on many websites).  Brown is one of the first writers and experts who went beyond the "codependency" labeling of victims and actually sought to describe the many "super traits" (Brown, 2009) that survivors of psychological abuse possess. These emotionally intelligent qualities are gifts versus some inner psychic defect.  So often, survivors have been gaslighted by their perpetrators into a state of cognitive dissonance whereby they feel they are to blame for the emotional abuse or that some broken quality within them brought on the abuse. I can emphatically and unequivocally say that no survivor of abuse is ever to blame. It often takes months or years of therapy for survivors to shed this self-blame and shame.

Further rubbing salt into wounds, many well-intentioned survivor websites have popped up over the last 5 years in which survivors are labeled as "codependent" and in which victim-shaming and blaming language is bountiful. Some, but no means all, survivors have codependency issues that stem from family-of-origin dynamics. It is a trend for some individuals to hop on the (unregulated) gravy-train of life-coaching, whether or not they have done their own psychotherapy.  What I see online is quite appalling and would be considered malpractice if they were licensed therapists. Untrained "life coaches" are claiming to treat the very clinical concerns of depression, anxiety and complex-PTSD as a result of relationship trauma. (Basically lay people are offering to do heart surgery). The danger is that vulnerable clients who are hungry for healing from psychological trauma and seeking to find answers to complex-PTSD as a result of dizzying cycles of abuse can easily succumb to charlatan's victim-shaming lingo, resulting in further trauma and shame. Survivor communities have created forums which can be supportive, but on the contrary, some can also cause great emotional harm if not facilitated by healthy moderators (i.e. those who have done their own recovery work).. I have had to undo  the emotional harm and trauma re-inflicted on my clients as a result of their stumbling upon very disempowering literature (which can also be completely inaccurate and scientifically unfounded). What is most upsetting is when a survivor is blamed in some way for their abuse. It is NEVER a survivor's fault that they were abused. Period.

Again, not all survivors are codependent.  The vast majority of survivors I have worked with are actually highly emotionally intelligent and possess the "super traits" Sandra Brown discusses in her literature. Emotionally intelligent people are ironically very attractive to personality disordered individuals for the very reason that such insightful people possess the very qualities the abuser is lacking. Survivors of narcissistic abuse are not broken! On the contrary, survivors have SuperPowers that allow them to not only do the work of healing from the trauma of being in an emotionally abusive relationship but to also be great partners in healthy relationships in work, family and love.

The following are some SuperPowers that survivors of emotional abuse uniquely possess (and I should also add, need to be very protective of):

1.  High empathy and compassion:  Survivors I have worked with generally show an amazing capacity to empathize with their fellow human beings and creatures on the planet,  and the are quite intuitive, some with deeply intuitive abilities. Many have described themselves as "empaths," which basically means highly intuitive and with a deep compassion for other living beings and nature.

2. Great ability to reciprocate and compromise/problem-solve:  I saw a meme that showed a picture of a donkey's head poking out of a barn door with the phrase: " You don't have to be a Jack-Ass Whisperer." So many of my clients are outstanding problem solvers and also know how to resolve conflict and compromise in very difficult situations. They have great people skills and diplomacy. When they are in the throes of a relationship with a narcissist or other emotional abuser, they realize that to have to explain what is common sense (emotionally) to another person says a lot about the abuser, than the other way around. If you have to explain how to be humane, Houston, we have a problem!

3. Integrity and authenticity: Survivors are often known for their honesty and actions/words lining up very congruently.  An abuser is drawn to this fabulous quality because, almost as if by osmosis, they can assume the personality of their partner just by being associated with him/her and the survivor's good works for the community. Even though these super powers are something to behold and to be proud of, they are also qualities that the survivor must protect and not give away unless and until they know that the recipient is worthy of receiving such gifts and that those super powers can be reciprocated back.

4. Accountability for actions: Most survivors I have had the honor of working with possess an uncanny strength to be able to have the humility to know when they need to own responsibility for their own mishap and then to take action to make that change. Unfortunately, their abusers generally do not possess this gift, and thus, gaslighting and blame-shifting/projection exacerbates the already vulnerable position a survivor finds her/himself in. When free of abuse, survivors are able to fortify and reclaim boundaries in future relationships, paving the way for healthier interactions in love, work and family.

5. Willingness/capacity to evolve a relationship into mature levels of true intimacy:  An empathic survivor generally knows what it takes to experience a healthy love relationship. This understanding includes the awareness that at some point the infatuation stage will peter out and the roll-up-your sleeves work of true intimacy (and the "you left the toothpaste cap off" frustrations) of really getting to know one another on a deeper level unfold. Remember that extreme emotional abusers tend to home in on folks who know how to do the work of relationships past the shiny high of infatuation, including all the messy and not fun work of paying bills, child-rearing, house-tending, etc. We know that extreme abusers do not have the capacity to evolve the relationship to a higher, more mature level and stay stuck in cycles of idealize/devalue/discard. Survivors, however, can and do move on to experience healthy relationships in love, work and family with healthy others who are able to reciprocate deeper levels of emotional vulnerability and trust building.

So you see, there is great hope for survivors of emotional abuse to heal! The very qualities that were draws for abusers are also draws for emotionally healthy people. When survivors do the healing work of trauma recovery in psychotherapy, they move forward to gather stronger powers of discernment as well. When a survivor encounters a potential abuser, often times the "Nar Dar" Alert goes off as the survivor fine-tunes their capacity to engage in healthy connections with others post recovery. Most important for survivors in recovery from narcissistic abuse is to connect with competent and compassionate helping professionals who are licensed to provide psychotherapy for relationship trauma; broaden and deepen healthy social support tribe; ramp up self-care regimens, and to fully own and practice the Super Powers that have been uniquely bestowed upon them.

Here's to healing!
Namaste,
Andrea Schneider, LCSW 

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

Well, April just flew by and we are suddenly entering May...which for many mothers is a joyful time to embrace and partake of festivities, also honoring seasoned caregivers who play a strong role in nurturing the new generation of nurturers. However, for some childbearing women, motherhood may not be a happy time. Due to a range of reasons , approximately 20% (or more) of all childbearing women may experience perinatal depression or anxiety (PSI, 2017).  It is never a woman's fault that she develops perinatal depression/anxiety (PMAD). Rather, a complex interplay of biological, hormonal, neurological, and environmental events can blend to create the perfect storm for an "episode." Fortunately, these eruptions of psychological pain are temporary and can be resolved with excellent care by trained practitioners (therapists, psychiatrists, doulas, lactation consultants, pediatricians, Ob/Gyns) and a supportive tribe of helpers (healthy extended family and friends, etc).

Furthermore, a subset of those women who experience a PMAD also have relationship trauma/loss history which can include physical, emotional, sexual abuse by a prior caregiver/parent or a current romantic relationship. It is these women who are exponentially more vulnerable to not only developing a PMAD but also experiencing more severe "episodes", due to the layers of trauma/loss woven into the already challenging sleep deprivation, hormonal fluctuations, role and identity changes that jolt a new mother into this chapter of her life. It is this subset of women which I am devoting this article to, in an effort to provide some solace, that there is hope to heal and recover, even in the face of the Hallmark commercials depicting the myths and expectations of what motherhood "should" look like, but very clearly does not for many women.

So, May is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month, and with that comes social media posts galore about the prevalence of maternal depression and anxiety. Thankfully, with the help of the internet age and technology, maternal mental health is one of the "in" topics addressed across all dimensions of media. In general, I am pleased to see mental health awareness evolving into a less stigmatized topic over the span of the last decade and beyond. However, even with a tremendous amount of advocacy on many levels,  there is still much work to be done to completely incorporate maternal and family wellness from the standpoint of mental health into the mainstream discussion and to ensure adequate and competent care for mothers and families. Many organizations have worked and continue to work diligently to press for legislation, training, and awareness of maternal mental health (some of those are listed at the bottom of the article).  Barriers to care continue to be a problem for families who are disadvantaged, impoverished, or face financial, geographical or discriminatory challenges of any kind. Women in unsafe relationships (whether familial, romantic or work related) are particularly isolated and at risk for a more complicated recovery unless they are linked with supportive and competent mental health care which includes a trauma-informed approach.

Karyl McBride, PhD, P.C., is considered one of the pioneers in the research, writing and treating of adult children of narcissistic parents. Her website, books, and literature are groundbreaking and very helpful for adult survivors of psychological abuse by a narcissistic parent. I often refer my mom clients to Dr. McBride's writings when I discover that my client carries the trauma of emotional abuse, with her family-of-origin pain is rising back up in the form of flashbacks. At just the moment my client is trying to bond with her baby and make the passage to motherhood, she may be plagued with feelings of doubting her ability to be able to love her own baby unconditionally based upon the blueprint she was given as a child. With support and trauma-informed counseling, my mama clients who have been impacted by narcissistic abuse do move through pain and healing to attach and bond in a healthy manner with their babies.  Without competent and compassionate help, these new moms would be passing on another generation of unresolved trauma to their offspring. Again, not all moms who experience a PMAD have a history of narcissistic abuse by a caregiver (or romantic partner), but for those who do, this trauma is sure to rise up at just the moment she is attempting to embrace the joy of motherhood. Likewise, if a mother is in a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner or is employed in a toxic work environment with emotionally abusive personnel, she is also more at risk for developing a PMAD. These psychological stressors are additional risk factors that magnify the dramatic hormonal, biochemical, and role transition dynamics in a new mom's passage to motherhood.

In providing psychotherapy for a new mom with a PMAD who also has a history of narcissistic abuse (either in family-of-origin or in a romantic or work relationship), I will not only provide the evidence-based interventions (for PMADs) of mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy and interpersonal therapy, I will also blend in other trauma-informed approaches that support my client in working through some very complex relationship dynamics. Some of these approaches may involve expressive arts,  trauma-informed approaches which include bilateral simulation (such as EMDR and other techniques), and lots of psychoeducation and therapy about narcissistic abuse recovery, boundaries, reclaiming self-worth, and creating a safe tribe of supportive others, to name just a few.  Acute depression and anxiety symptoms may lift fairly quickly with interventions addressing PMADs, while the more long-term work delves into family-of-origin, trauma/loss and attachment concerns. 

I find that it is helpful to provide some bullet points for the new moms I work with, for those who have been raised by a narcissistic caregiver, as Mother's Day approaches. So as to fully embrace the special day for the new mom:

1. Be sure to seek and obtain qualified psychological support with a trained, compassionate and competent trauma-informed psychotherapist who knows about maternal mental health primarily to address acute symptoms. If that therapist is trauma-informed and has training in narcissistic abuse recovery, longer-term work can address resolving psychological abuse history.  (Both areas are highly specialized). You can research provider names through PSI for PMADs. You will have to dig further on a google search to find a provider who also knows about psychological abuse from a trauma-informed perspective...Ideally, the provider will know something about both specialties. With help, you will be well. Once PMAD symptoms are stabilized with a specialist, you may need to be referred to a therapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery if your current clinician is not knowledgable about that subspecialty. Again, the ideal is to work with a skilled clinician who can address not only the PMAD but any trauma/loss history that also encapsulates and magnifies emotional pain.

2.  Seek out social support in the form of new mom support groups specific to PMADs and also Adult Survivors of Narcissistic Parents.  Stabilize depression and anxiety symptoms first and then tackle the deeper trauma issues at a pace that is not overwhelming. Narcissistic abuse recovery is multi-faceted and will take a good bit of time past resolving the PMAD. PMADs can be resolved in 2-3 months for some women (the clinical symptoms of depression and anxiety). Trauma and loss issues may take quite a bit longer to work through. But with qualified support and reduced isolation, relief is on it's way in waves. Like a cake, the client is excavating through the layers of healing. 

3.  Build your tribe of authentic helpers whom you trust with baby care, running errands, dropping off meals. These individuals may be related to you or not, hired or volunteer. New moms need to be nurtured so they can nurture and bond with their babies. Any person that triggers a prior trauma or is abusive in any way shape or form does not belong in your inner circle or tribe. 

4. Set clear boundaries about your availability for any family gatherings. Put your own self-care as number one. Self-care is NOT selfish. Self-care is vital to the recovery of a PMAD, not to mention the long term tough work of trauma resolution. Again, you are not obligated to attend any function that exhausts you or diminishes your mental or physical health in any way.

5. Find a pathway to honor yourself on Mother's Day if it is not possible to be in the presence of family members who are safe emotionally. Again, consult your safe tribe of supportive others who can help to celebrate you in a way that feels good. Maybe you'd just like to be in bed all day taking a luxurious nap. A bubble bath. Have food brought to you. Receive a foot massage. Be treated like the Queen you are on your special day by people in your circle that you trust.

This article just barely touches the tip of the iceberg as relates to the intersection of PMADs and recovery in narcissistic abuse. I can assure you that more writing and research is in the works. Again, not all moms with PMADs have experienced narcissistic or psychological abuse. But many have, and those are the mamas that are not only struggling with sleep deprivation, hormonal fluctuations more dramatic than a seismograph, extreme fatigue, mood shifts, panic,,,but they are also dealing with flashbacks and unresolved complicated grief from prior instances of abuse either from family-of-origin, work, or romantic relationships. The good news is that with help, moms recover. All moms and their families deserve access to qualified competent and compassionate care. If you or your loved one is seeking help for recovery from a PMAD or in need of a trauma-informed therapist who is versed in narcissistic abuse recovery, see the resources below for additional support.



Resources:

(PMADs)
Postpartum Support International --largest non-profit in the world dedicated to women's reproductive mental health; list of volunteer coordinators in each state of U.S. and many countries who will link moms and partners with resources and providers, as well as warmline support.
www.postpartum.net

Maternal Mental Health Now-- Los Angeles based advocacy group provides list of providers in L.A. County; trainings, policy, advocacy, resources, research  www.maternalmentalhealthnow.org

2020 Mom-- national organization whose mission is "closing gaps in maternal mental health care through education, advocacy, and collaboration. " www.2020mom.org


(Narcissistic Abuse Recovery)
Christine Louis de Canonville - www.narcissisticbehavior.net -- pioneer therapist in narcissistic abuse recovery; author of The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking The Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse; prolific writer, speaker, therapist

Kristin Walker  - CEO of Mental Health News Radio and everythingehr.com; has internationally recognized podcasts and radio programs specifically addressing mental health and the subject of narcissistic abuse recovery with wide-ranging speakers and specialists; excellent resource; advocate, writer, life coach.

Karyl McBride - www.karylmcbridephd.com  -- pioneer therapist, writer, researcher on adult survivors of parental narcissistic abuse; articles and books as well as resources available on her website; also addresses high conflict divorce with narcissistic partner

Eleanor Payson --www.eleanorpayson.com -- one of the first therapists to address narcissistic abuse in 3 settings of family, work and love relationships; author of The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family

Linda Martinez-Lewi  - www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com -- pioneer therapist in the field addressing narcissistic abuse in all life domains; prolific writer, advocate and therapist.

Shahida Arabi - www.selfcarehaven.wordpress.com - prolific writer and advocate for narcissistic abuse survivors, specifically from romantic relationships

** Please note that there are more fantastic resources for both PMADs and narcissistic abuse recovery -- I have an extensive list if you would like to email me for more information. ** Kind regards in healing - Andrea Schneider, LCSW




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