Beware of the Hook: Narcissists Tend to “Hoover” During the Holidays…
Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

The time period between Halloween and Valentine's Day is a time when survivors of abusive relationships with a narcissist may experience what is known as a "hoover"..often times narcissists will circle back to prior sources of narcissistic supply to see if they can tap (or suction up like a vacuum) prior targets' attention/affection/adulation to fill their psychological void...be cautious and don't be tempted with a re-hook!

Extreme narcissists cannot function without their perpetual need for ego fuel, or narcissistic supply. Many have a homing device, zeroing in on their prior targets’ vulnerabilities and needs for validation. When a survivor of psychological abuse has been discarded after an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the survivor generally speaking reels with confusion and a need to understand “why” they have been cruelly cast aside. Extreme narcissists know this. The typical cycle of idealize, devalue, discard is perpetuated as long as the target allows it, and the hoover is a prime opportunity to instigate a new abuse cycle.

Abusers will hoover around the holidays, typically after a silent treatment. The survivor spins with cognitive dissonance and confusion of their former lover/friend/colleague/family member vanishing without explanation and often after a healthy boundary has been set by the survivor. Narcissists do not compromise or reflect on their own accountability. They are lacking the depth of empathy and compassion that is required for a healthy relationship.  Extreme narcissists know that their former targets want the validation and understanding of “what went wrong’ in the relationship and will often instigate another idealization stage with their narcissistic supply sources.

Holidays are a prime time for narcissists to circle around like a shark to test the waters for life blood. Targets often feel a sense of wistfulness and reminiscing of the good times when the idealization stage occurred with their former abuser. It is during this time of vulnerability that puts the survivor in danger of romanticizing the abusive relationship and having a sort of selective amnesia, recalling and longing for only the intense seduction stage at the beginning of the relationship. Narcissists can’t stand losing center stage, and the holidays take away their spotlight, unless they make themselves relevant again. Psychological abusers also like to hoover around their own birthdays, especially if they are narcissistic and think the world revolves around them (think developmental age of a 5 year old).

Survivors of psychological abuse need to ramp up their efforts at No Contact and surround themselves with family and friends who are healthy and who show evidence of empathy, compassion, integrity, authenticity, compromise, accountability, honesty and reciprocity. The aforementioned elements are essential for a healthy relationship. Also recommended would be for survivors to keep their calendar busy with distractions during the holidays that are productive and self-care affirming, such as exercise, meeting a friend for coffee, volunteering for a non-profit, engaging in expressive arts to reduce stress, meditation and yoga exercises, and exposure to and infusions of nature. Survivors may want to schedule booster sessions with their therapists to help them to stay No Contact and practice extreme self-care and healthy boundaries.

In addition, survivors can remind themselves why they are not with their former abusers by recounting the cycles of abuse which resulted in emotional pain and suffering. Although it is difficult to regurgitate hurtful memories, drafting a timeline of the relationship on paper can help the survivor to be reminded that contact with the abuser always equates to emotional pain. No good can ever come out of a relationship with someone who sadistically causes psychological harm. A reminder that the idealization stage was also a fantasy and a facade by the narcissist is critical. Although the survivor was capable of falling in love, the narcissist preyed upon the target’s good nature and emotional IQ to extract narcissistic supply and dupe the target into falling in love. It was real for the survivor and false for the narcissist.

Survivors are often comforted when support networks provide hope and reassurance that they will not only survive the holidays but eventually thrive again. Like any traumatic loss, the first holidays without a former lover/family member/friend is very hurtful and requires a mourning process. When the individual being mourned is a narcissist, the process is much more complicated and requires the survivor to exquisitely attend to their psychological needs. With a competent trauma-informed therapist trained in narcissistic abuse recovery, unconditionally supportive and positive social support network, and self-care, a survivor will learn to thrive again, even during the holidays.

Some resources for further reading:

Brown, Sandra (2009) Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists.

Schneider, Andrea (2015): The Hoover Maneuver: The Dirty Secret of Emotional Abuse, goodtherapy.org.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hoover-maneuver-the-dirty-secret-of-emotional-abuse-0219154

Schneider, Andrea (2014) Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse, goodtherapy.org.
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unreality-check-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-abuse-1007144


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And that is why the vast majority of the people on this planet are appalled that DJT has been elected as leader of the free world. Yes, we know that Hillary was a flawed candidate in many ways. She did not reach out to hard-working blue collar people in ways that Obama or Bill were able to. Her campaign took turns of arrogance and condescension, and she didn't present herself to the world in a transparent way that allowed people to connect with her. And yeah, she screwed up with that damn email thing.  YET, at the end of the day, Hillary was about human rights and keeping our country and planet safe. And she is not a diagnostically dangerous person. I say that as a licensed psychotherapist with an expertise in narcissistic abuse recovery. 

On another note, trying to restrain my horror, It is pretty clear that our president-elect fits all the diagnostic criteria of a malignant narcissist.  He espouses all the "isms" that most people on this planet are disgusted by: bigotry, racism, xenophobia, homophobia, bullying people with disabilities, sexual predation...  As a progressive liberal, I would not vote for this man even if he was a Democrat. I would vote for the opposition to ensure that he would not destroy the country and planet that I love so dearly.  I would prefer Nixon in the presidency and feel more secure about the U.S. and the world if that were an option.

So here we are today. I am driving home in white upper middle class suburbia, in a bubble of white privilege. I see a black man at an intersection. Our eyes lock. I look deeply into his eyes, and I begin to cry. The expression in his eyes said to me, "I hurt. I am in pain. I am suffering. When will this racism end? How can you do this to me?" It was a pleading look of sorrow, hurt, and pain.  I want to comfort him. I want to tell him it's going to be okay. I want to apologize on behalf of all the ignorant, bigoted, hateful white people I am plagued with sharing the same ethnicity who have caused this horrific state of affairs in this country. I want to scream at the propagandized media stations that have painted Hilary into the picture of the Antichrist. Fox News has spread false information because they know how to prey upon vulnerable populations' insecurities, glean ratings, and become wealthy off of other people's fears. I  possess a fury so broad and so deep that this insane man could be elected as the leader of the free world, in such a fashion replicating the rise of Hitler during World War 2.  Today,  I am ashamed to be an American. I am ashamed to be a white woman. We have failed as a nation. We have failed as a human race.

I feel powerless today. What brings me comfort as a licensed clinical social worker is that my ethics and professional association all stand for the basic human rights and dignity of all people on the planet. We will go on to live another day. We will go on and fight hatred, greed, bigotry. We will fight it with education, compassion, patience, perseverance, peaceful protest. And consequences...for those who are filled with hate. That they may understand the implications of their decisions and how their fear/denial/ignorance/greed have impacted the lives of millions of people. That we will rise, as brothers and sisters, of all colors, shapes, sizes, sexual orientations, religions....to bring peace on this planet, love and hope for a world in harmony. One day. One day.

Reeling in the Aftermath of the Election: Self-Care for Emotional Evisceration of the Worst Kind (i.e. Trauma)

Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW


We therapists are always preaching about self-care. But today made it get real. If ever there was a day requiring self-care, that day is today.

I am still trying to process the shock and disbelief of what happened on this day, November 8, 2016,  in our nation’s history. If you are like me, and appalled by the results of the presidential election, you may have a wide range of concerns, including a retriggering of trauma, loss, anxiety, depression, horror, anger,  shock and disbelief.

We, the people of the United States of America, just elected an individual who has a history of bigotry, racism, misogyny, xenophobia, bullying of disabled people, brags about “grabbing women by the pussy” because “he can”, wants to put up a wall between our border and our neighbor to the south, Mexico...have I forgotten anything? Oh yes, and fits the diagnostic criteria, spot on, for malignant narcissism. This man will be our president for the next four years.

Take a deep breath. That’s what I am attempting to do right now. It’s hard to navigate the cognitive dissonance that is permeating my brain. And I know that my clients who have histories of psychological abuse, racism, discrimination, bullying of any kind, sexual assault...are all experiencing signs and symptoms of PTSD….it’s a horrifying time for many who worry if they will be deported, if they will lose health care, if they will lose the right to decide who governs their reproductive organs, among other concerns. It’s appalling.

What do we do now that we are officially in the aftermath zone of the election? To say that our country has work to do is a gross understatement. I could spout off and rant and rave as a progressive liberal, and I know I would either be preaching to the choir or inciting people who disagree. So I will refrain from taking that tangent, and focus instead on what is universally helpful for trauma survivors in the face of trauma. Because this is what it feels like to at least half the population of this country: Trauma. That’s a lot of people.

In the case of the election, many have extensive and valid concerns regarding what will transpire in our country and how that will affect our citizens and people all over the world. People feel tense and traumatized. With that, we need to honor what our bodies are saying to us, and respond to our bodies by sending optimum relaxation response (Benson, 1975). The relaxation response was originally coined by researcher Herbert Benson who introduced the term in his original book entitled the same. What is at the core of releasing held tension is oxygen. Most of us in the psychology and self improvement field know that deep breathing using the abdominal muscle (versus the shallow breathing experienced in panic) is essential to induce a relaxation response. Many also incorporate mindfulness based meditation, exercise and yoga, among other physiological strategies to bring the body back to a state of equilibrium.


Self-care, when feeling panicked and overloaded, requires the survivor to take a few steps through the stages of grief and also access releasing trauma physiologically. When we are confronted with a traumatic loss, our brain takes a while to cognitively process what we have just experienced. So much of trauma is encoded in the brain on a neurological level and is held in the sensory part of the brain (van der Kolk, 2015). When words are not enough to describe our experience, our body feels the adrenaline and cortisol of stress, and we either fight, flee or freeze in response to a perceived threat. Somatic tension, in the form of muscle pain, migraines, heightened blood pressure and pulse, increased respiration all develop in response to trauma.

Renown trauma researcher and neuroscientist Bessel van der Kolk elaborates further by discussing in his cutting-edge work, The Body Keeps the Score (2015) that the work of releasing trauma initially must be experienced in a “felt” sense or physiologically. He is correct in saying that “the body keeps the score.” Some may achieve this release through drama therapy, newer fields such as somatic experiencing and EMDR, yoga, meditation, dance, music and exercise, to name just a few possible evidence-based strategies.

Adding to the next layer of trauma release involves the incorporation of the emotional catharsis of the midbrain. Our brain intuitively wants to create a visual understanding of meaning-making of a traumatic experience. Many achieve this release through the use of expressive arts (Malchiodi, 2015) via use of art intervention with trained art therapists or credentialed expressive arts therapists. Sometimes images can express what words alone are not able to.

Cognitively, our highest level of thinking and expressing comes through words. When we have been able to narrate and thereby master our traumatic experience through all three layers of the brain, physically, emotionally and cognitively, we are said to have integrated the traumatic experience in such a way that our brains are being protected from registering the memory as a trauma.

I know we are still in the midst of understanding what the trauma of the outcome of this election means. It’s unprecedented and unclear. But what we do have control over is how we respond to adversity and uncertainty.

We can daily make efforts to exercise for a minimum of 20 minutes. A power walk in nature is an excellent way to release stress and clear the mind. We can fortify our bodies with good nutrition and vitamins, including omega-3 fish oil which studies show is protective of brain health (among other wonderful benefits), particularly in combination with exercise (Kendall-Tackett, 2010). We need to find a way to sensorially express that which is hard to verbalize through music, art, dance, exercise, sports, yoga, meditation. And then we need to work to integrate our felt sense of the trauma by putting it into image-making, like expressive arts, a visual journal, collage, painting, etc. (Malchiodi, 2015). Some may elect to try therapeutic interventions as I mentioned before like EMDR or somatic experiencing (Levine, 1997), which are geared to integrate the brain’s experience of trauma so that the brain does not encode the experience as trauma, or that the impact of the trauma is dramatically reduced. Next steps are finding words to narrate the trauma either verbally or in written form (poetry, journaling, individual psychotherapy with a trauma-informed therapist) (Schneider, 2014).

For survivors of trauma, help is available. Seek out competent trauma-informed therapists who can help you release the many layers of stress as a result of the political climate we are immersed in. Seek out activities which you can engage in which calm your nervous system and induce a relaxation response (deep breathing, exercise). After the shock and disbelief thaws, channel anger into constructive activity (i.e. peaceful political activism, writing, advocacy, etc.). Give yourself permission to grieve losses of dreams and violations of basic human rights as represented by the incumbent president. Know that you are vulnerable. Focus on the basics of good sleep, good nutrition, exercise, positive social supports and psychotherapy. We as a nation will survive. We will one day thrive again. Begin with your own self-care, and then let’s work to move forward to heal our planet.


Resources:

Benson, Robert (1975). The Relaxation Response, HarperTorch Publishers.

Kendall-Tackett, Kathleen (2010)
http://www.uppitysciencechick.com/Omega-3s.html

Levine, Peter (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, North Atlantic Books.

Malchiodi, Cathy (2015) http://www.cathymalchiodi.com/art-therapy-books/trauma-informed-art-therapy/

Schneider, Andrea (2014) http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/expressive-arts-as-means-to-heal-trauma-032414

Van der Kolk, Bessel (2015). The Body Keeps the Score; Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Penguin Books.



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The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist’s Trick of the Trade of Emotional Abuse
By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW


If you have encountered a narcissist in love, work or family, then you surely have experienced the dreaded silent treatment, a tactic used by psychological abusers (including extreme narcissists) to hold power and control in their relationships. As written about extensively in the recent wave of articles on narcissistic abuse, an extreme narcissist is an individual, male or female, who targets other people for sources of narcissistic supply (or ego fuel) to fill their empty psychological voids. Most always, an extreme (or malignant) narcissist will engage in such emotional abuse tactics as gaslighting, hoovering, love-bombing, and the silent treatment, among others.

More specifically, in relationships with an extreme narcissist, the toxic partner (whether boss, lover, friend or family member) seeks to consistently take the position of one-up in which they are always in control and in power. When the narcissistic supply source (a supervisee, family member, lover, friend) is providing “good supply,” (or ego fuel) they are placating the whims of the narcissist, providing adulation, praise, attention, disgust, horror, or any type of reaction that makes the abuser appear to be powerful and important. The extreme narcissist’s ego is soothed when sources of ego fuel are behaving appropriately, in the narcissist’s mind. It’s as if the extreme narcissistic were developmentally stunted at age five. Picture two children playing on a merry-go-round. As long as the narcissist is being admired for his skill riding the prettiest, shiniest pony, the playmate will continue to be “privileged” with the presence of the narcissist.

However, as is inevitable in any type of relationship with an extreme narcissist, the target serving the role of narcissistic supply will ultimately fail to provide “good ego fuel.” Sooner or later, the lover/partner/family member/supervisee tires of the energy drain connected with supplying the psychologically impoverished narcissist. In time, “good” suppliers of narcissistic supply disappoint or even create what experts call a narcissistic injury in the narcissist. The target sets a healthy limit, questions the intentions of the narcissist, or requests a compromise, all of which are healthy communication tools. The narcissist, however, becomes enraged that his/her uniqueness is in question. Instead of taking constructive criticism, owning responsibility for his/her transgressions, and showing empathy for their ego supply source, the narcissist is incapable of compromise or any of the above healthy communication tools and instead lashes out at the mere suggestion of accommodating a healthy communication style. The target failed to admire the narcissist’s pretty pony and cowboy-style of riding on the merry-go-round.

Enter the silent treatment. What frequently ensues in the relationship cycle with a narcissist is the pattern of idealize, devalue, discard, The narcissist’s ego cannot tolerate the idea that his core identity is not so important to his ego fuel source, such that others would question his omnipotence and entitlement. Therefore, the extreme narcissist feels threatened that that target (who is like a mirror, reflecting back to the narcissist that he exists), is ceasing to provide adequate narcissistic supply. The narcissist’s very existence is threatened on a psychological level, to the point that he fears complete annihilation of his central core identity. His ego is that fragile. The narcissist pouts, refuses to share his cowboy hat,  jumps of the merry-go-round, and runs off to the jungle gym, leaving his playmate mystified and spinning alone, dizzy with confusion. No more narcissist. Gone. Poof. In the wink of an eye.

The deployment of the silent treatment is frankly one of the most sadistic, cruel and immature forms of psychological abuse. In order to usurp an albeit false sense of control and reclaim some stability of his fragile ego, the abuser suddenly cuts contact with the target. The extreme narcissist must reclaim control and power in the relationship, and the healthy boundary set by the target was unacceptable to the narcissist’s fragile ego. At this point in the relationship cycle, the abuser will cease responding to phone calls, texts, emails, social media and seemingly vanish from thin air. The narcissist will “ be gone” as a punishment to the target for daring to set a healthy limit or in response to a perceived criticism (which is often a request for compromise from the target). The abuser sadistically celebrates reclaiming complete control and power via the destruction of communication through silence. The extreme narcissist can see his playmate from afar from his vantage point atop the jungle gym, a new throne for him. His playmate is spinning with nausea, confused and worried, fearful and afraid. Where did her friend go?

The target often suffers emotional evisceration through a sense of complete bewilderment and emotional pain, given that no opportunity for closure or clarification is made available by the narcissist. Often times, the target is an individual with high emotional IQ, possessing healthy conflict resolution skills, the very qualities an extreme narcissist does not contain within their fragile ego. Extreme narcissists are incapable of accountability, compromise, empathy, reciprocity, and integrity. Since the target typically has been love-bombed or future-faked into believing that the narcissist was her knight-in-shining-armor or perfect boss, the target is often deeply confused and experiences the cognitive dissonance so common for survivors of narcissistic abuse. The extreme narcissist has suddenly vanished into thin air, and such an abrupt Houdini act leaves the survivor reeling with shock, disbelief, and fairly horrific emotional pain. There is no opportunity for closure.

The survivor is forced to create her own closure unless or until her abuser circles around like a shark for a  “hoover” (an attempt to re-engage prior sources of narcissistic supply). However, an extreme narcissist will never allow the opportunity for closure and will continue to extract narcissistic supply without any accountability to their prior transgressions. It’s as if the extreme narcissist feels so omnipotent that they can press a re-set button and avoid any responsibility for causing emotional harm. Some abusers will stay gone if they determine their source of narcissistic supply can see past the false mask the narcissist has carefully crafted. And in the end, no contact with a psychological abuser is healthy for a survivor.

An essential first step for the survivor of the silent treatment is to get off the merry-go-round. Your head will spin for a while, until it doesn’t. You will learn with No Contact that your playmate has chosen to be mean, cruel, and psychologically abusive. There will never be closure with an extreme narcissist, only pain when there is contact. He can have his throne atop the jungle gym. But he can’t have you, your life energy, your empathy, authenticity, integrity, kindness, accountability, reciprocity, conflict management skills, compromise, and compassion.

Your head will eventually stop spinning from the merry-go-round adventure in time. For now, you must connect with competent and compassionate psychological support from caring and informed helping professionals. Some support forums may be helpful. Read all you can about narcissistic abuse. You can and will recover, even in the aftermath of emotional pain. As for the extreme narcissist, he is destined to be alone on his throne in the playground.




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Hello readers...I am excited to announce that I am now a featured author for The Minds Journal.  My article on trauma bonds with the extreme narcissist was just syndicated here.   I look forward to sharing more articles with you!  

Namaste,

Andrea Schneider, LCSW