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Beware of Projection: A Blame-Shifting Tactic of the Extreme Narcissist

1/30/2017

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So many of my clients who have had the misfortune of being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist most definitely possess the qualities of high emotional IQ. By that I mean, often targets of malignant narcissists imbue the highly sought after qualities of authenticity, integrity, compromise, accountability, empathy, reciprocity and the capacity to love on a mature level. An emotional abuser actually seeks to entangle him/herself with love objects who possess the very personality characteristics they are lacking.

Remember, a malignant narcissist essentially operates with a psychological void, whereby his/her existence is predicated on extracting narcissistic supply from significant others. Inevitably, the narcissist cannot maintain the facade s/he has masterfully crafted in the idealization stage. So when the inevitable idealize/devalue/discard cycle occurs, the survivor of abuse is often stunned when her former partner projects his repressed emotions onto the love object.

Projection was originally coined by psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freud, as a state in which a person defends himself against his own unconscious impulses, emotions, or beliefs by denying their existence in themselves while attributing those qualities to a significant other/family member/person. In the survivor community, projection is also called "Blame-Shifting." In other words, the narcissist may have certain feelings buried or repressed within themselves but because they are so cut off from being introspective and having the ability to generate insight about their emotions, often a narcissist will essentially verbally vomit up (or project) their feelings onto their love object. (Yes, the image of projectile vomiting applies here). Often this blame-shifting happens when a narcissist has experienced a narcissistic injury or a boundary was set by their partner, thereby resulting in the narcissist feeling a sense of loss of control/power.

For example, Sally responded to Jeff's flirtatious texts. Jeff made it clear he was looking forward to meeting up with Sally when he was in town on a business trip and looked forward to rekindling their romance. Sally responded to Jeff's "hoover" with some trepidation. She remembered prior cycles of idealize/devalue/discard with Jeff. It had been so long though, so she felt she should give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he had changed in a mature fashion. So Sally set a clear healthy boundary with Jeff that she would only visit with him on the condition that he show sustained ability to be honest. Seems like a normal enough request. However, to the extreme narcissist, a healthy boundary or limit incites a narcissistic injury, or major blow to their fragile ego.

Fortunately, Sally would later learn that she dodged a bullet with an extreme narcissist. When Sally responded to Jeff's flirtation and expressed interest in seeing him, Jeff abruptly responded with anger and disgust that Sally would want to re-engage on a romantic level. Out of the blue, Jeff projected his repressed and buried feelings onto Sally. "You can't get over me. I am not that into you. I am only interested in friendship. Why are you reading into things? You obviously have feelings for me."

Sally was stunned. Jeff was not only denying his feelings for her but projecting his repressed emotion onto her, blame-shifting. Jeff, as an extreme narcissist, could not handle feeling close emotionally to someone he was attracted to and instead felt his alarm bells going off. So he engaged in seductive-withholding behavior to protect himself from getting hurt. Basically everything he projected onto Sally was really how Jeff was feeling on a deep level. He just could not own his feelings on an authentic, honest level. A healthy, mature individual who is capable of true intimacy would banter back and forth in flirtation and follow-up with actions of integrity and authenticity, confirming and validating their attraction to their significant other, gradually and slowly building trust. An extreme narcissist is terrified of vulnerability and losing control. Expressing one's most intimate feelings for someone is too revealing for an extreme narcissist to consciously own and express, so s/he becomes highly defended and projects their subconscious feelings onto their partner.

So what is Sally to do? Unfortunately, Jeff is not just an individual with narcissistic "traits" that might be worked through with some intensive therapy. He is much further on the spectrum of narcissism and is cut off from his own feelings and incapable of authentically owning his repressed emotions. Sadly, Jeff has pretty significant limitations with what he can offer Sally. She is better off cutting her losses and moving on to date someone who can reciprocate the mature love she is capable of expressing and maintaining.

For further reading, I suggest:

Brown, Sandra (2010). Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists.

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Slippery and and Scaly: Beware of the Reptilian Shadiness of the Seductive-Withholding Narcissist

1/27/2017

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By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

"He's a cold hearted snake, look into his eyes...(uh oh)...He's been tellin' lies..." Paula Abdul

please note this article addresses a narcissist as being either male or female. For simplification purposes the gender pronoun is interchangeable. Narcissism does not discriminate :)

Many of the narcissistic abuse survivors I work with have become intimately acquainted with a seductive-withholding narcissist in their love life. This article serves to define and illuminate the dangers of encountering and preventing a constriction crisis with such a slippery serpent in the dating world.

The internet abounds with articles on narcissistic abuse recovery. Fortunately, we live in a time where access to information for the abuse survivor community is readily available. I want to point the reader's attention to a particular type of shady creature who can present as Mr. Gallant Knight in Shining Armor or Delicious Dazzling Vixen in the beginning stages of the idealization stage of an abuse cycle. Enter the seductive-withholder....

This term was originally coined by Susan Peabody in the love addiction community. Essentially, she is describing a somatic narcissist who uses romance and sex to seduce a potential romantic partner. However, instead of just one cycle of idealize/devalue/discard, the narcissistic seductive-withholder performs a specific type of "hoover" called the relationship recycle. In other words, we know from literature and studies that extreme narcissists often do return to prior sources of narcissistic supply to see if they can tap more "ego fuel". When an extreme narcissist returns for multiple cycles of "hoovering", oftentimes this abuser is said to be engaging in repetitive cycles of seductive-withholding. The survivor often is reeling in the aftermath of being discarded, and so with a trauma bond in tact, often will take back their abuser to attempt to return to the original state of infatuation or idealization. However, the seduction phase is short-lived, and as soon as the extreme narcissist knows that the former lover is still pining away for their lost love relationship or if s/he provides any response indicating a re-engagement with the narcissist, the abuser will begin the devaluing phase quickly or even move to discard rapidly. A healthy individual would reciprocate the attraction and evolve the relationship mutually by gradual increased expressions of vulnerability and trust-building. Not so for the seductive-withholding extreme narcissist.

An extreme narcissist has a core fear of engulfment and abandonment. At the very center of their vacuous identity is a core state of shame. The narcissist experienced an abusive childhood devoid of healthy attachments and possibly extreme abuse and learned that s/he had to use a false self (mask) to survive an emotionally intolerable experience. When an adult extreme narcissist is attracted to a potential mate, s/he may have the same longing for love and connection as any human being does. With that drive comes the seductive behavior of the somatic narcissist. However, once the extreme narcissist discovers that their love object has reciprocated interest, alarm bells in the narcissist's mind go off. The narcissist equates love, vulnerability, and emotional expression with pain. Also these revealing sentiments expose the narcissist to their core shame and potentially re-experiencing the feared same ridicule and shaming brought about by their abusive caregiver(s) growing up. So when an extreme narcissist gets close to someone they are attracted to, they immediately shut down their emotional center and detach. S/he cannot tolerate the vulnerability of mature love. Then s/he devalues and discards the romantic partner.

An extreme narcissist is seeking the very thing every human being needs and wants: love. However, when love is expressed/returned or interest is a green light by a love object, the abuser cannot tolerate the potential exposure to vulnerability. This toxic shame, wound tightly and subconsciously within the psyche of the narcissist, permeates his/her actions. Instead of happily receiving the response of love and vulnerability from their potential mate and reciprocating it, the narcissist is flooded in shame, fear, and anxiety. A seductive withholder will gaslight and deny any pronouncements of a relationship, dating, attraction, or heaven forbid, love. Instead an extreme narcissist projects shame and blame onto the very person they were attracted to and attempted to seduce in the beginning of the cycle with love-bombing and future-faking.

So the narcissist shames, blames, gaslights, and flat-out denies any attraction to their potential mate and the often will engage in the silent treatment at the discard stage. For a time. Until s/he isn't getting enough narcissistic supply. Then the abuser will revisit prior sources of narcissistic supply and attempt to recycle the relationship again...if the former love interest will bite the bait....

So, what can you do if you have been in a love relationship with an extreme narcissist who uses seductive-withholding to extract narcissistic supply? You can chose not to re-engage. Your ex, if an extreme narcissist/seductive-withholder, will never be able to give you what you need for a healthy relationship. The qualities of integrity, accountability, honesty, authenticity, compromise, accountability, and empathy are sorely lacking in your abuser. S/he may do a very good job of acting like they possess these qualities, but they cannot psychologically maintain the ability to continuously express these qualities with any depth or integrity for any length of time. In short, the result will always be idealize/devalue/discard and with as many cycles as the partner allows after permitting another idealization stage.

With a narcissistic seductive-withholder, the survivor is destined to have emotional pain with contact. No Contact is the way to go in circumstances such as the above. Refusing to participate in the dance of idealize/devalue/discard is key. Psychotherapy with a trained trauma-informed therapist is essential, particularly a professional who understands narcissistic abuse recovery. Joining a support group or forum of compassionate survivors can be helpful. Reclaiming self worth, establishing healthy boundaries, and connecting with safe community is essential in the healing process. Survivors may encounter the intoxication of a potential "high" of another dance with the snake...but the outcome will always be the same with an extreme narcissistic seductive-withholder: emotional pain. Best to not play with the snake or allow the serpent any access to your precious emotional/physical/financial capital. No Contact.

A colleague of mine, Shahida Arabi, renown writer and advocate for the survivor community, recently reminded me of an amazing quote by Marianne Williamson, which is so very relevant. I will leave the article with the following:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not* to be?"

(from Marianne Williamson: A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).)

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Articles now being syndicated for The Minds Journal

1/23/2017

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Dear readers: I am glad you are following me on my blog. I am honored that The Minds Journal is syndicating my articles on their online platform as well. My recent article can be found not only on my blog on my website here but also at The Minds Journal here ... thank you for following me :) Namaste, Andrea

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Singed and Spinning from Gaslighting: An Emotional Abuse Weapon of Extreme Narcissists

1/19/2017

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by Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

Many have heard of the term "gaslighting," a weapon emotional abusers employ to maintain or regain power and control over their victims. The movie, Gaslight (1944) starred Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer and Joseph Cotten. It was the first work of art to dramatically portray extreme narcissistic abuse and the cunning and calculating tactic of gaslighting, designed to elicit maximum confusion, or cognitive dissonance, in its victim.

Ingrid Bergman's character experiences a whirlwind romance with the Charles Boyer character, the latter of which very insidiously begins to inflict psychological abuse. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the gaslights in the new couple's home flicker. Bergman notices this phenomenon, and yet Boyer denies and negates the reality of the situation, suggesting ever so subtly but then more intensely that Bergman is going mad. She begins to doubt her own reality of the situation and believes the insinuations of her lover. Bergman is not aware that Boyer is in fact calculatingly and premeditatedly flickering the lights himself, so as to intentionally cast doubt and create cognitive dissonance in Bergman. Boyer's character also isolates Bergman from any social support system, so that she is dependent upon Boyer to be the translator of her reality. She increasingly loses trust in her own capabilities of discerning the reality of the situation, which results in anxiety, hopelessness, despair, and dependence on her captor. In turn, Boyer can remain in power and control in the relationship, however sadistically he positions himself.

In modern times, we may not have gaslights, but we do unfortunately encounter emotional abusers who deploy gaslighting tactics in work, community, family and love relationships. When an individual is involved in a love relationship with an abuser, initially, the perpetrator's intentions of power and control and not readily known to the new love object. Oftentimes, a period of idealization typically occurs whereby a honeymoon stage ensues, and the target falls genuinely in love with (unbeknownst to her) the emotional abuser. Ever so gradually, the extreme narcissist deploys their emotional abuse arsenal of weapons. Gaslighting is almost always one of those tactics. Denying or negating doing or saying something that actually took place is the most common form of gaslighting. The abuser then subsequently moves on to cast blame and doubt at the target for "misperceiving" the situation.

The result of gaslighting is always a sense of confusion and feeling off balance. When a survivor of extreme narcissistic abuse is reeling from the aftereffects of gaslighting, they are said to be experiencing cognitive dissonance. What this means is that the survivor is holding two contradictory thoughts at once in her mind, such as "I love this man, but he is confusing me and making me doubt my perception of reality." By the time a survivor is experiencing cognitive dissonance, he/she has fallen madly in love with his/her abuser and are only beginning to recognize that there are some very real red flags of extreme narcissistic abuse proceeding forth. When gaslighting is woven into the fabric of the emotional abuse, the survivor is further confused and tends to seek comfort from the source of her pain, her captor. A trauma bond forms in which the source of pain is also the soothing agent, reinforced by many vicious cycles of binding the target to the captor through emotional abuse tactics such as gaslighting.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse can and do heal from the effects of gaslighting and cognitive dissonance by embarking on a journey of self-care which includes going No Contact with their abuser, entering psychotherapy with a skilled and trained trauma-informed therapist who understands narcissistic abuse recovery, and working through the traumatic grief associated with narcissistic abuse. Recovery also involves connecting with a trusted support circle and developing safe, healing relationships, in addition to practicing self-soothing exercises to release trauma (yoga, expressive arts, etc). Recovery is multi-faceted and also includes restoring self-worth and investing in present and future goals. With qualified help, survivors heal and move forward to reach a place of balance and restoration of their emotional health and wellness.

please note that the survivor of narcissistic abuse can be either male or female, as can the abuser.

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Complex-PTSD: Recovery in Psychotherapy for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

1/15/2017

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Complex-PTSD: Recovery in Psychotherapy for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

January 15, 2017

As a therapist specializing in the treatment of narcissistic abuse recovery, I am privileged to work with survivors in their journey of healing and moving forward to reclaim wellness. Many of my clients have been impacted by psychological abuse in love, work or family relationships. Most have experienced a form of sustained traumatic grief, which is also termed Complex PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) or C-PTSD. Treatment for this aptly termed complex fusion of anxiety, depression, grief, and reclamation of healthy relationships and self of sense is a multi-faceted process requiring much commitment by both therapist and client, unconditional positive regard of the therapist, and endurance and fortitude by both. Fortunately, recovery is probable and hopeful, with skilled, compassionate help. I am honored to bear witness to the transformation before me with the incredible work my clients embark upon to reclaim their wellness.

In the trauma literature, Judith Herman, author of the seminal work, Trauma and Recovery (1992) was the first to coin the term, Complex-PTSD. Subsequently, many pioneers in the field of trauma have elaborated on the concept and addressed different pathways for healing to occur (see resources at end of article). One of the more recent books published, entitled Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (2013) by trauma therapist Pete Walker, discusses C-PTSD as: “ C-PTSD is a more severe form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety” (pg. 3).

For individuals exposed to narcissistic abuse over a long stretch of time, whether in work, family or romantic relationships, the individual has absorbed trauma on many levels - physiologically, cognitively, and emotionally. Recovery work involves the integration of these three levels of the brain to “master” and release the trauma. The work of Bessel van der Kolk in his ground-breaking book, The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma (2015) illuminates the options for blending an eclectic approach to interventions, including somatic work, mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and expressive arts, to name just a few.

Also helpful in the literature for survivors is the discussion of the trauma bond, which is so common in relationships with psychological abusers. Patrick Carnes’ work The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships (1997) is also helpful in understanding what a trauma bond looks like and how a survivor can psychologically sever the tie connecting them with their abuser. Carnes’ addresses the need to establish healthy connections with a community of support, establish and reinforce healthy boundaries with others, increase self-acceptance, psychoeducation of abuse cycles, and reclaiming an empowering narrative of recovery (pg. 165).

Individuals impacted by psychological abuse need and deserve support by skilled trauma-informed clinicians who understand narcissistic abuse. We are living in a day and age where we can see narcissistic abuse present on many levels, be it in politics, community, work, home or love relationships. One of the first steps in healing from narcissistic abuse is the psychoeducation of this insidious form of psychological abuse. Subsequently, survivors are most helped by skilled strengths-focused, trauma-informed clinicians who understand the subtle nuances of narcissistic abuse recovery. Trauma work is often multi-dimensional and complex, just as recovery from C-PTSD could be described as excavating through various layers of healing. With compassionate and informed help, survivors have an excellent opportunity to reclaim wellness and begin a new chapter of wellness and inner peace.

**the author of this article, Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW, is currently writing a workbook for survivors of narcissistic abuse, a follow-up to her first ebook, Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LifeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse (2015).

Resources:

Carnes, Patrick (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, Health Communications, Inc.

Herman, Judith (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence- From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, Basic Books.

Levine, Peter (2012). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness, North Atlantic Books.

Van der Kolk, Bessel (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Penguin Books.

Walker, Pete (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Azure Coyote Books.

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New Year, New Beginnings

1/1/2017

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Greetings all. May 2017 bring you good health, prosperity, balance, joy, adventure and peace. I hope that you have had some time to relax, restore, and rejuvenate over the holidays. I know for me, it has been an essential time of reflection, meditation, special connections with family and friends, hiking, and goal setting.

I always encourage my clients to begin the new year by reflecting on what they are proud of they have accomplished in the last year and to honor themselves for that achievement in some way. In turn, I recommend to those I work with that they also set new goals for the new year. Maybe those goals carry over from the year past; maybe they are new goals. It's always fulfilling when we have purpose and passion in our daily lives. Perhaps you are looking to solidify authentic connections with friends and family; maybe become more politically active, focus on health and renewal, cultivate a spiritual practice that serves you well and those you love.

I know for me, this winter holiday day gave me the opportunity to reflect and to take stock at what I wish to continue to incorporate in the new year. At the top of the list will be to weave in nature and hiking and a daily meditation practice. Relationships are always very important to me. I am honored to work with the many clients I serve. I am also very blessed to have a family and social support network that is rich and fulfilling, and which adds immeasurable joy to my life.

I challenge you...what changes will you make in this new year...for yourself, for the greatest good for all....and what accomplishments will you continue to manifest....reflect on that, and welcome the new year....

Namaste,

Andrea Schneider, LCSW

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Beware of Projection: A Blame-Shifting Tactic of the Extreme Narcissist

Slippery and and Scaly: Beware of the Reptilian Shadiness of the Seductive-Withholding Narcissist

Articles now being syndicated for The Minds Journal

Singed and Spinning from Gaslighting: An Emotional Abuse Weapon of Extreme Narcissists

Complex-PTSD: Recovery in Psychotherapy for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

﻿New Year, New Beginnings

Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

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