By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

So many of the clients I work with report to me that their friends and family, although well-meaning, say and do things that exacerbate the pain of healing in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. People are exposed to this form of emotional abuse in love, work, family or friendships. Particularly in the area of romantic relationships, I hear so often from clients that friends and family say things such as, "Just get over it! This is taking way too long!" or  "He was a jerk! Why do you feel like you still love him after all this time?" or " You sound like the crazy one because you keep talking about her non-stop!" or "I don't understand why you can't just start dating someone else and move on." 

These comments are not helpful to the survivor of narcissistic abuse. Although most all well-meaning and empathic friends and family have difficulty witnessing the pain of their loved one and the suffering they are experiencing after being in a relationship with an abuser, there are word choices and actions you can take that are more empowering for your loved one who is going through tremendous emotional pain. Try to look at this situation as a persnickety illness or infection that is taking a while to completely shake out of the system...and be patient during the process of healing from traumatic loss. Your friend/family member will thank you.

Here's what you can do:

1. Do validate and listen. Listen to your loved one's story and pain. Part of the healing for survivors of emotional abuse is having a safe other(s) witness/hear/validate their story of pain and healing.

2. Do encourage your loved one to get psychotherapy with a trauma-informed therapist.  This form of psychological abuse results in PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and other clinical conditions that require treatment by a licensed psychotherapist. The survivor needs time to grieve the traumatic loss.

3. Do educate yourself  on narcissistic abuse:  For example, read my articles entitled What is A Narcissist?: A Primer for the Layperson and Finding Peace After a Toxic Relationship.

4. Do know that it is NOT your job to heal or fix your loved one. See #2.

5. Your job is to offer unconditional empathy and comfort to your loved one. If there is something you do not understand about narcissistic abuse, ask your loved one. They likely will have read a library of articles and books on the subject in their quest to reduce the cognitive dissonance associated with narcissistic abuse. (see articles on cognitive dissonance, gas lighting, and silent treatment)

​6. Do understand that your loved one is in the process of breaking a trauma bond with an abuser. Please read about what a trauma bond is, why the attachment is like crazy glue, and why your loved one is likely feeling like they are going through withdrawal from a bad drug (albeit temporarily).

7. Do encourage your loved one to engage in self-care, including: good sleep and nutrition, exercise, positive social supports.

8. Do provide hope that things will be better. Because they will. Keep helping your loved one to envision what life will be like free of emotional pain. Recovery can and does happen with sustained effort, fortitude and endurance. 

9. Empower him/her. Pathological people seek out smart, successful, empathic people as targets for their abuse. It is because of their emotional IQ and compassion that the survivor was targeted.  S/he will heal in time and reclaim their wellness.

Here's what you can refrain from doing:

1. Do not blame, shame, or criticize your loved one.  

2. Question the timing of the healing process and how long it seems to be taking to heal (on average, with solid No Contact with an abuser, a survivor may take at minimum 18 months to really heal from the traumatic relationship, and usually longer even with psychotherapy and other interventions).

3. Do not encourage contact with the abuser. Part of the healing process is breaking free from a pathological person and going No Contact (or Limited Contact in the case that that the survivor shares children/a business).

4. Do not suggest the survivor is responsible for their abuse. Abuse is never ok. There is no excuse for abuse, and it is not the survivor's fault.

5. Do not intervene between the survivor and the narcissist. Allow the survivor to be empowered to seek out his/her own qualified therapy and legal support. 

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

When a person is reeling in the aftermath of a toxic relationship, there are a number of steps towards finding inner peace that can help the survivor to transcend emotional pain.  It is inevitable that most people will encounter toxic people in either work, family, friendship or love relationships.  The abusive person need not have a full blown diagnosis of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or psychopathy to cause emotional harm. Just possessing a few of the traits of pathological Cluster B personality disorders can render any contact with such a person equating to emotional harm and pain (Brown, 2009). The good news is that once armed with information about how to protect oneself from deceptive, toxic people, healthy individuals develop a discerning shield in terms of their intimate relationships.  And in circumstances where a survivor has unfortunately been blindsided by a malignant narcissist or other toxic person, there is hope for healing and finding balance and good health.

I want to emphasize that experiencing a toxic relationship with an abuser is traumatic for the survivor.  In the aftermath of narcissistic (or psychopathic) abuse, individuals can experience depression, anxiety, PTSD, C-PTSD (complex-PTSD), somatic pain, and  panic attacks.  Being in the force field of a pathological abuser for any length of time (but especially during chronic, long-term circumstances) results in psychological harm for the survivor. With that, it is imperative that the survivor seek out and obtain qualified psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional who is trained in trauma-informed care and who knows about narcissistic/psychopathic abuse.  Life coaching by survivors can be very beneficial as well, to provide validation and confirmation. However, because recovery from toxic relationships can feel like you are emerging from the Dark Side with a complex constellation of clinical concerns (see above), you require recovery with a clinician (psychotherapist) who understands the delicate interplay of trauma, healing from abusive relationships, and has the training to provide such interventions. If someone you are working with claims to be able to "treat" these clinical concerns, and they are not, in fact, a licensed clinician, they are practicing unethically and illegally, and out of their scope. Buyer beware. The good news is that there is a growing number of therapists who are trained in this specialty.  Look for a trauma-informed, strengths-focused, empowering clinician to help you in your recovery.

The following are some suggestions for survivors that I provide for my clients in my own private practice. In the aftermath of abuse in a toxic relationship, survivors need and deserve inner peace and healing:

* As mentioned above, connect with a qualified helping professional who can address the very intricate and specific nuances of C-PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. Healing will take some time, and the traumatic grief resulting from the toxic relationship requires an "unpacking" that is multi-layered in the presence of a caring, empathic, non-judgmental specialist (In some circumstances telehealth consultation may be appropriate for individuals who are geographically far from specialists).  In-person trauma-informed clinicians can also provide EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) interventions which help the brain to release how trauma is encoded. Trauma-informed clinicians may practice other interventions such as Emotional Freedom Technique, somatic experiencing, mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy and/or expressive arts. You need to research and inquire how your trauma-informed clinician approaches trauma release and integrating wellness into the treatment plan. 

*Surround yourself with caring and authentic others in your tribe -- these people may be family, friends, colleagues, helping professionals, acquaintances. Part of the healing in the aftermath of a toxic relationship is continuing to experience safety and belonging in healthy circles of support. For people who do not have family or friends nearby, it is especially imperative to seek out qualified helping professionals who can serve in the form of a "safe holding environment" (Winnicott, 1973) as the survivor is building her tribe of caring others.  A word about online forums: some may be helpful, but many are not supervised by trained professionals. Some forums are magnets for cyberstalkers and trolls. Again, buyer beware. An in-person support group facilitated by a trained clinician and specific to healing from toxic relationships is ideal. Barring that, online support groups supervised and facilitated by trained and empowering professionals would be an alternative. 

* Go No Contact with any abusive person. If you share children or have to work with this individual, you can do Limited Contact, whereby your only communication is either strictly related to parenting (in which case you can use computer software like Family Wizard that is monitored by your attorney/the courts or in the case of work, keep conversation and communication strictly for business purposes and with a witness/second party present). Ideally and optimally for complete healing, at minimum Limited Contact (and only in the circumstances mentioned) , and in all other cases, absolutely No Contact. With No Contact, that's when healing really begins. The toxic forcefield of the abuser is removed/unshackled, and the survivor has the opportunity to thrive again.
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*Practice supreme self-care. Taking care of oneself is not selfish. Self-care practices that are vital to healing and target all aspects of health: physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and mental.  This includes:
                     * exercise: at least 30 minutes daily, preferably in the sun and in nature. If you live in a cold climate, getting outside is still important (snow-shoeing, cross-country skiing, etc). Studies show that immersing oneself in nature has multiple mental health benefits, particularly hiking (Bratman, 2015).  Exercise lifts serotonin and endorphins, which are feel-good chemicals our body and mind need to operate smoothly and without depression or anxiety. Twenty minutes of sunshine/day lifts Vitamin D in our bodies (a deficit of this vitamin can result in depression).
                    *Physiological release of pent up tension from trauma: in the form of yoga, meditation, journaling, kick-boxing, massage. Studies show that our bodies hold trauma; we must physiologically release trauma in a healthy way (van der Kolk, 2015). 
                       *Connect with spiritual affiliation, whether that is in an organized religious institution or as a solo practitioner - having a sense of peace from a Higher Power, through prayer, reiki, meditation, nature, etc can have very beneficial impact on the healing journey. 
                             *Expressive arts release-- one of the key mechanisms in releasing trauma is expressing the "felt" pain in a sensory manner (Malchiodi, 2015).  Locate a trained trauma-informed expressive arts practitioner to help you with this component of healing. (Side note: coloring books are not art therapy. They can be very helpful with mindfulness, but they are NOT a substitute for expressive arts trauma-informed therapy.)
                          *Good nutrition and sleep hygiene. Studies show we must have at least 5 consecutive (without interruption) hours of sleep to have a complete sleep cycle. When that is disrupted (for whatever reason but often by insomnia where trauma is concerned), depression and anxiety results due to plummeting serotonin levels. Tackling excellent sleep is imperative for healing. Some individuals may need to consult with a health practitioner about possible options for melatonin or sleeping aids (temporarily), stress reduction exercises before sleep, etc.  Good nutrition is equally important. You don't need to purchase expensive supplements to nourish your body with good nutrition. Studies show that omega-3 fish oil is excellent in protecting the brain against depression and anxiety (among other wonderful benefits) (Kendall-Tackett, 2014). Research healthy meals that are abundant in fiber, protein, fruits and veggies. Remember to drink ample water, reduce (or eliminate) caffeine and alcohol consumption.
                                     *Routines are important. The brain needs time to work through the trauma, cognitive dissonance, anxiety/depression after having been in a toxic relationship. Therefore, giving your brain ample time to be bathed in logic and creative expression is key to providing relief for the intensity of emotions in the aftermath of trauma. For example, if you find you are ruminating over a abusive relationship, it will be helpful to problem solve with your therapist a list of logical or creative actions you can take to get your mind off being stuck on flashbacks. Some suggestions may include, keeping your regular routine in place (for work, etc). Keep the brain focused on logical activities that require getting out of the emotional brain (sometimes a crossword puzzle or Words with Friends can zap you back into logical thinking and reasoning). Some of my clients like to do projects that help them with mindfulness, like crafting, knitting, playing a musical instrument, or just "puttering" around the house with various organizing or cleaning projects.
                                        *Keep a journal for when intrusive thoughts surface, because they will. And you will need help dismantling the cognitive dissonance associated with psychological abuse-- by a trauma-informed therapist. Alternatively, Zen Doodle or a sketch pad can be used as a visual journal in expressing and releasing any intrusive thoughts. As well, give yourself permission to grieve the traumatic loss of someone who betrayed you. Therapy will be important to guide you through traumatic loss, walking through the stages of grief, and healing the traumas associated with that connection.

Healing takes time and is multi-layered. The above are only a few suggestions on the pathway to healing. So much of the work is done in the therapy session and in homework assignments as you heal from trauma. Again, I emphasize the importance of working with a trained trauma-informed , strengths-focused clinician, nuanced in narcissistic/psychopathic abuse recovery. We are out there. We love helping people heal. It is an honor and privilege to bear witness to the healing my clients go through. I have seen the most courageous and fierce survivors rise from the ashes and emerge, soaring again in good health, inner peace, and wellness. So can you. Begin today!
                                   

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

When an empowered individual who possesses qualities of high emotional IQ enters into a love relationship, s/he isn't knowingly signing up for a Manipulation of Grand Scale.  However, in circumstances were a person has fallen head over heals for a narcissist (or other personality disordered individual), they are most definitely entering into a relationship in which they will be harmed by their seeming knight-in-shining armor.  As part of their recovery, survivors of narcissistic abuse often perform a "postmortem" on their relationship in therapy regarding their narcissistic abuser. This autopsy of emotional abuse allows the survivor to recount and detect when the red flags of manipulation began in the cycle of abuse, thus fortifying the survivor and empowering him/her to be on the look-out to detect such warning signs in future relationships.

When a pathological person targets an individual for a love relationship, they have ascertained that the prospect has qualities that will generate a copious volume of narcissistic supply (or ego fuel). Sandra Brown (2009) defines these characteristics as "supertraits" in her groundbreaking book, Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists.  Desirable preferred qualities in a love object would include high empathy, cooperativeness, extraversion, competitiveness, goal-orientation, and ambition professionally, among other qualities. These facets of personality are hardly the often-termed labels "codependent" or "love addict", which serves to reinforce victim-blaming and shaming. On the contrary, pathological and personality-disordered people actually seek to extract ego fuel from highly successful, confident, caring, and beautiful partners.  Not to say that some targets may have their own trauma history blueprint which renders the pathological person "familiar" to the survivor.  Yet it is intriguing that NO ONE is immune from the potential predation of a narcissist/psychopath. That being said, there are red flags a person can look out for to be alerted to a potential manipulation before they allow themselves to fall head-over-heels with Mr./Ms. Too-Good-To-Be-True.

Signs that a person has potentially encountered a manipulative dating partner with possible nefarious intentions are the following:

1. Love-bombing/Future-faking:  At the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath, targets describe being literally swept off their feet and being caught up in the rapture of the effects of love-bombing.  This manipulation tactic is a pathological person's attempt to hook their partner into the intoxicating high of the idealization stage of the relationship. Narcissistic people shower their love objects with charm, affection, gifts, non-stop phone calls/texts/emails, dates, marathon sex, promises of future blending of lives, marriage proposals, pregnancy. The abuser makes themselves so relevant and omnipresent that the love object becomes laser-focused on their new love, to the exclusion of any thing grounding her in logic and reality-testing. Often targets report feeling rushed into the relationship and not having the time to discern how they are truly feeling about their lover, being that chemical cocktails of oxytoxin, endorphins and dopamine are surging during the time of hastened pacing of infatuation. This "other-worldy" experience is literally intoxicating for the target, who feels like s/he is high on the best mood-elevating drug ever...and s/he is...with the love-bombing cocktail her narcissistic partner has thrown at her like a grenade. The target easily bonds to the abuser because s/he is capable of true intimacy, empathy and vulnerability. The narcissistic abuser can attach to their partner but they cannot bond in a healthy way and easily detach like a leech, once the initial rush of ego fuel has them satiated.

2. Mind control seduction/ NLP techniques: Narcissistic/psychopathic individuals are very skilled in the use of flowery, suggestive language that is designed to seduce and induce trance states where the target feels anchored and bound to their abuser via imagery and story-telling.  The internet is filled with seduction websites that teach people how to deceptively seduce people through mind control, and no doubt abusive and deceptive suitors have taken notes (and practiced) these sinister techniques on many unwilling and unsuspecting targets.  Intense eye contact is also woven into the descriptive language that binds a target to her suitor. S/he may think her new partner is lovingly gazing into her eyes only to find out that truly, this intense gaze is more reptilian and predatory in nature. The abuser is really sizing up his prey and drinking in how he is going to extract maximum narcissistic supply, with generous infusions of power and control.  If your newfound lover is a sweet-talker and you find yourself in mesmerizing, trance-like states after spending time listening to him talk about how he will blend his life with your's, complete with vivid sensory detail, you would do yourself a favor to quickly obtain some smelling salts and wake up. Research mind control seduction techniques on the Web, and you will see exactly how your abuser is grooming you in the seduction stage so you will attach to him like Velcro.

3. Facade of altruism/heroism/outer mask: Many people in positions of power and successful  status in the professional world are healthy, authentic individuals. However, there are some who are very deceptively NOT healthy, and they hide behind the mask of doing good for the community (pastor, doctor, therapist, teacher, lawyer, politician, etc). This mask allows the predator to hide amongst the masses and extract Prime Grade Ego Fuel (attention, adulation, praise, and eventually emotional pain and suffering) from large quantities of people. In turn, pathological abusers can present as high functioning on the outside (or on a dating profile) at the beginning of a love relationship. With time, however, the mask inevitably slips, and the disordered underbelly is eventually revealed.

4. Gas-lighting:  Abusers will deploy this trick when they want to destabilize their love object, throwing them off-center. Extreme narcissists will retract something that they said or did and project onto their lover the insinuation that the lover made up the situation or is going crazy. The term was coined from the movie Gaslight (1944) starring Ingrid Bergman. Gaslighting results in cognitive dissonance, the state of confusion and dichotomous thinking that a person feels when they simultaneously feel love for their abuser and also know that their abuser is engaging in a form of psychological abuse, causing them harm. Gaslighting happens in the devaluation and discard stages, and will resume after a hoover if the target allows another cycle.

5. Projection/Blame-Shifting: An abuser verbally regurgitates his feelings onto his love object. Most often, an extreme narcissist ironically does not have high self worth and most definitely lacks solid insight.  Narcissists are not able to examine and acknowledge their own transgressions and inadequacies. Grandiosity prevents a narcissist from allowing him/herself to be vulnerable as a human being and examining areas of growth. Instead of accountability, a narcissist "vomits up" their buried feelings about themselves onto their love objects. Over time, the target is repetitively abused, shamed, blamed and castigated for the very issues the extreme narcissist committed. Eventually and with exposure to relentless and persistent projection and gaslighting, the target's self esteem plummets. 

6. Trauma Bond: Patrick Carnes discussed the notion of the trauma bond in his work, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships (1997). Narcissistic abusers are notorious for blending their love-bombing with abuse tactics such as gaslighting, the silent treatment, and projection to intersperse the devaluation stage of the trauma bond, sprinkled with crumbs of consideration here and there. the intermittent reinforcement of the dizzying cycle of abuse perpetuates the trauma bond, rendering otherwise very strong and fortified individuals as paralyzed and feeling chained to their abuser. Fortunately, this trauma bond can be broken with intensive therapy for the survivor and no contact with the abuser.
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7. The Silent Treatment: The silent treatment has been written about extensively and is a cruel form of emotional abuse, not to be confused with No Contact. A survivor goes No Contact when they have decided to end the relationship with their abuser, as a way to create a healthy and safe boundary and to end the emotional pain and suffering inflicted upon them by their abuser. Pathological abusers use the silent treatment to invoke a state of power and control over their victim. Often the love object has set a limit or a boundary, perhaps criticized and action of the narcissist (and rightfully so with the egregious behavior that surfaces during devalue and discard stages). In response, a narcissistic injury follows for the narcissist who cannot fathom having their grandiosity and "specialness" questioned. To punish their transgressor, the narcissist deploys the silent treatment for as long as the abuser sees fit to resume power and control in the relationship. Often, endings of relationships initiated by narcissists are extended silent treatments whereby the abuser hoovers at a later date to tap the target for additional ego fuel (if the survivor is willing the play the game again).



The above are just a few of the manipulation tactics a narcissistic/psychopathic abuser deploys in his arsenal of emotional mayhem.  Those who are dating and seeking romantic relationships need to be particularly careful to vet and take the time to get to know their dating partners.  Know your worth. Know that any thing legitimate and authentic is worth waiting for and taking the time to thoroughly explore and establish honesty, healthy boundaries, integrity, authenticity, empathy, vulnerability, reciprocity, accountability and compromise. Narcissistic abusers and psychopaths are not capable of any of those elements of high emotional IQ.  They may pretend to imbue those qualities, as they are masterful actors. Always check in with yourself and pace the dating relationship. Again, know your worth. You hold the power there.