ANDREA SCHNEIDER, MSW, LCSW
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No Contact, The Silent Treatment and Ghosting: What's the Difference?

10/19/2016

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Many of my clients are immersed in the dating world, searching for healthy love relationships and healing from toxic ones. I wanted to take an opportunity to define a few terms that are floating about in the cybersphere.  

When an individual is dating someone, the connection either continues to evolve in a healthy direction, it ends, or it tapers off. I am going to talk about when dating relationships end, what's healthy and what isn't in terms of leave-taking.

So in an abusive relationship, a psychological abuser will oftentimes engage in what experts call "the silent treatment "(ST). The ST is an emotional abuse tactic employed by psychological abusers....it is designed to cause harm to it's intended target and to render that individual "non-existent." See my article about the Silent Treatment I wrote for goodtherapy.org here for further definition. Basically the abuser falls off the face of the earth with no explanation, causing tremendous anxiety for the recipient of the ST. The silent treatment is cruel, and no one deserves to be dealt the silent treatment. Typically, the ST is employed when the abuser does not like a healthy boundary that was set by their significant other -- it's like stonewalling with silence, and it accomplishes nothing productive. What it does result in is the usurping of power and control for the abuser. 

A survivor of an abusive relationship decides to go No Contact (NC) when they have determined to end the relationship. No Contact is designed to help the survivor reclaim their personal power and heal from a toxic, psychologically-damaging partner. Experts in the field virtually unanimously agree that No Contact (or Limited Contact in the cases were there are children or a business ) is essential for the healing of the survivor, to work through and sever the trauma bond and reclaim personal self-worth and agency. I've written more about No Contact here.  No Contact is like detoxifying from an unhealthy "drug" of a toxic relationship. 

"Ghosting" is a fairly new term in the dating world. Now that we have entered the era of Tinder and dating websites, texting and email tends to be the first way that potential dating partners begin to get to know each other before their first phone call or in-person encounter. When a dating partner loses interest (after one or more dates), often what will happen is "ghosting." In other words, the person disappears like a ghost and ceases texts, phone calls, emails, etc, and won't respond to attempts to re-engage.  It's basically a cowardly way for a person to say (without having the balls to say it) that "I am not interested in you." In my non-clinical definition, it's a$%hole behavior, and the person on the receiving end of it is fortunate to have dodged a bullet from an immature, shallow dating partner. The person who is doing the "ghosting" is at minimum, immature, and at worst,  potentially a psychological abuser.

Hope that's helpful to the folks out there in the world of dating... Be safe, remember your boundaries and values, and demand respect!!!  

Namaste,

Andrea Schneider, LCSW
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October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month

10/16/2016

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss is defined as miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss, perinatal loss due to failed IVF attempts, and also fertility challenges. October is a month to honor many causes, including Breast Cancer Awareness and Sensory Integration Awareness, among many others. I wanted to share with my readers two articles I wrote for goodtherapy.org which include resources, information, and helpful tools in healing. Here they are:  (1)  and  (2)  

​
Healing wishes to all, Andrea 

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Why I am So Pissed Off About DJT: A Commentary

10/13/2016

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By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW


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To say the election is a source of contention for most people is a gross understatement.  Never before have we in the U.S. seen such a divisive election since the Civil War. And I am also incredibly passionate about how I feel regarding this election, just as many Americans are.

For me,  the political became just too darn personal ​.... I am a therapist in Southern California who specializes in helping people recover from toxic relationships in love, work, and family. More specifically, I help survivors heal from narcissistic/psychopathic abuse (see prior blog posts, articles and ebook on narcissistic abuse). When I see DJT showing the very behaviors of emotional abuse (and now sexual abuse allegations), not to mention racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and misogyny that are evident in the perpetrators of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse, I cannot be silent. I will not be silent. We cannot allow a personality-disordered, dangerous person to become the leader of the free world. 

And this goes beyond whether or not I am a Democrat, Republican, Independent, etc....this equates to the safety of our country, to relationships we need to preserve and conserve with countries all around the world, the empowerment of the citizens of the diverse country that is the U.S.A.

For the first time ever in my life, I am ashamed to be an American. I am ashamed that people support an individual who resembles Hitler in his fascist demagoguery. I have colleagues in foreign countries who are APPALLED at the fact that DJT could even be a POSSIBILITY as the leader of the free world. 

No, I am not taking this "too seriously," as some have claimed. No, I am not.   The truth is that not enough people are taking this situation seriously ENOUGH.  I know I am preaching to the choir when I say that what we are witnessing in American politics with DJT is how HItler came to power during WW2. I am flabbergasted that there remain individuals who support an unstable, tyrannical pathological representative of what once was LIncoln's Republican Party. I can assure you that Lincoln is rolling in his grave today. What happened to our country?  

It is clear that change needs to occur on so many levels economically and with civil rights and empowerment of the citizens of our country to attain prosperity, dignity, respect, freedom, and all of the elements that are written in the U.S. Constitution (although I beg to differ on the right to bear arms...I believe that there should be restrictions -- specifically where automatic weapons are concerned).  However, we are not going to attain that with DJT...he is not capable of being the leader we need for this country and this world...because he diagnostically fits smack dab right in the category of malignant narcissist/psychopath.... please continue to read up on what narcissism is, how it is dangerous, and what we need to do to move forward to a place of health, both as individuals and collectively as a society. Our children and future generations deserve no less. 

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What is a Narcissist ?: A Primer for the Lay Person on Narcissism

10/13/2016

3 Comments

 
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By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW


​What is narcissism? We have all heard the word being thrown about all over the place. It's in the news, on social media, it describes an ex boyfriend/girlfriend, the arrogant jerk who cuts you off on the freeway, the diva boss. Male or female, purple or pink-polka-dotted, narcissists are all around us. But what really is a narcissist?

Well, I am here to tell you all about what a narcissist is and why it's a problem. I am a therapist who provides psychotherapy (mental health counseling) for every day people like you and me. People come in for therapy to get emotional support to recover from challenges like depression, anxiety, stress, grief/loss, relationship issues, life transitions, and trauma and abuse. Any person who has been on the planet for any length of time will encounter some dark nights of the soul, and that's what we therapists are for...to help our clients return back to their prior level of joy and optimal functioning (and hopefully an even newer and better version of themselves). Most therapists, like myself, take our training and our calling very seriously -- it is tough work, we work hard, to hold a safe emotional environment for our clients to heal and recover, and we earn every penny we work for. Most ethical therapists consider their work to be a spiritual calling and find great meaning and purpose, having great honor to bear witness to another's transformation in healing. 

I work with a wide range of clients who are hurting. One area in which I specialize in my practice is narcissistic abuse recovery. And that's what I am going to talk about now.

Narcissism has become pandemic in our larger society. We are seeing narcissists in politics, in boardrooms, in love relationships, at home, in religious institutions,  in friendships...it's all over the place. And I can tell you that in the Greater Los Angeles area where I live and work, L.A. is the hotbed of narcissism. It's enough to make the whole lot of us spin with dizziness.

In an nutshell, one could call being a narcissist as someone who: 1) is entitled, 2) has grandiose thoughts of themselves, 3) has limited capacity for empathy and how others are impacted by their actions, 4) has a lack of reciprocity (give and take) in relationships, 5) often has a history of lying and dishonesty, 6) has a pervasive sense of lack of self identity and must extract what we call "narcissistic supply" from others, 7) shows a "false self" to the world ( a fake mask of who they want to appear) (DSM-5).  I am basically translating from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual what a person with NPD (or Narcissistic Personality Disorder) looks like. 

Now, a person with narcissistic personality features can really exist on a continuum. 

narcissistic -----> NPD-----> malignant narcissism-------> psychopathy
traits                                 

A person who has just a smattering of narcissistic traits might actually show some ability to make some changes in therapy IF they have some elements of empathy, accountability and insight. HOWEVER, most individuals who have NPD or beyond on the spectrum will not be able to change....because the disorder is a pervasive (long-lasting) pattern of fixed personality characteristics. Experts in the field (myself included) feel that if a person is a malignant narcissist or psychopath, the ability to change  is miniscule.

Someone who is NPD or beyond on the above spectrum engages in emotional abuse tactics, which I have written about extensively in my blog and for goodtherapy.org . Also in my ebook Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LIfeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse 

So I work with the survivors of narcissistic abuse. I work with the woman or man who suffered in a romantic relationship with a narcissist who emotionally abused them. I provide therapy for the person who is dealing with a tyrannical boss. I counsel the adult child of a narcissistic parent who doesn't feel like they will ever amount to anything worthy. I support the survivor of sexual abuse, rape, or persecution of any shape or form by a malignant narcissist/psychopath. I provide therapy for the individual who was emotionally abused by a pastor who is running a cult in her community, the man whose therapist tried to sexually assault him. All of the perpetrators in the above scenarios were at minimum NPD and at worst, psychopaths...and NO ONE is immune from being a target. In fact, toxic pathological people actually seek out intelligent, beautiful, altruistic, highly empathic people because the narcissist is lacking in those very qualities and they want to consume that person like a vampire to fill their empty void of a psyche (Schneider, 2015). The target of a narcissist generally serves as the "mirror" to the ego of the narcissist, providing fuel to the narcissist to inflate their ego (attention, appreciation, adulation, sex, disgust, reactions of any kind all serve as forms of narcissistic supply). A malignant narcissist/psychopath will attempt to extract narcissistic supply from their targets in a premeditated fashion, preferably by causing harm and pain to their victims. An extreme narcissist/psychopath is a sadist. They get pleasure by causing pain.


People heal from narcissistic abuse. But it is hard work. And it takes a good amount of time, with a skilled, trained, ethical, trauma-informed psychotherapist. Healing is very complex but very possible. I have had the honor and privilege of bearing witness to many survivors move into a place of thriving in their lives -- when they reclaimed their power and pulled some very persnickety weeds...their garden of life opened up to new, healthy growth and healing. I am one lucky woman to be able to see before my very eyes that kind of personal strength and fortitude that my clients near and far manifest as they heal. The saying, "sometimes things fall apart before they can be reassembled" is very apropos. And in the reassembly, the new construction of healing often times generates an evern healthier and more whole person, thriving in the new chapter of their life.

For further reading, please see my ebook:

Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LifeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse (2015) (available on most ebook platforms)

Also my articles for goodtherapy.org on narcissistic abuse recovery are listed at the end of this blog post: Breaking the Ties That Bind: Trauma Bonds with an Extreme Narcissist


**A reminder that no portion of this blog post can be plagiarized. Feel free to re-post the article with proper attribution to the author**

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Elections and Political Commentary Triggering for Many Abuse Survivors

10/11/2016

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. With all the heated debates in the news and political commentary permeating the media these days, many abuse survivors are feeling triggered by the outrageous acts and horrific verbal vomit coming from the mouth of Donald Trump. As a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, I am literally sickened myself that a political party could endorse such a malignant narcissist/psychopath as a potential leader of the free world. It is UNFATHOMABLE to me that this individual continues to be supported in the polls.

 DJT is an individual who brags about sexually molesting women. He hasn't paid his taxes (unlike most hard-working Americans); he is a racist, a bigot, a misogynist, a xenophobe, and a homophobe. And yet he still has people supporting him. Folks, this is how Hitler came to power -- passively allowing a fascist dictator to seize power.

For my clients who are survivors of abuse - whether emotional, physical, sexual, domestic violence, etc...this election season is amounting to tremendous anxiety. When survivors see the very behaviors in DJT (a potential leader of the free world) that their abusers engaged in, it's enough to create trauma reactions like panic attacks, flashbacks, insomnia, hypervigilance, and generalized increased stress and anxiety as cortisol and adrenaline surge through their systems.

What I recommend for my clients and other survivors is to shut off the TV. Be selective with what you expose yourself to on social media, TV, radio. Go on a News Diet. Vote. Go to Therapy. Get Pete Walker's book : Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving  and Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score: The Brain, Body and Mind in Healing Trauma. See a trauma-informed therapist who is versed in psychological abuse/ narcissistic abuse.  Connect with mindfulness practices such as meditation, yoga, and hiking. Deepen your circle of authentic support. Know that with support, you will heal. And in time, the election season will be over with. Nourish your mind/body/spirit with a complete break from the toxicity of what has become a disillusioning and sad commentary on the state of our American political system and the people who follow blindly abusive, megalomaniacs.  Take action. Speak up. Abuse is Not Okay. Not by ANYONE, and ESPECIALLY NOT BY THE FUTURE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800−799−7233  


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    Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

    Psychotherapist

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