ANDREA SCHNEIDER, MSW, LCSW
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Dealing with Toxic Family Members: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

7/7/2017

8 Comments

 
By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

Summer season can be a joyous  time for family reunions and treasured memories of gatherings by the beach, fireworks, camping adventures, etc. For some, unfortunately, this scenario is not the case. In families where an individual has narcissistic tendencies (or exhibits behaviors of full blown NPD or malignant narcissism), such reunions transform into a nightmare.  Much literature has been written on the subject (see below for resources). This article is merely an attempt to remind survivors of narcissistic abuse in family systems that there is hope to heal and that there are things you can do to protect yourself from further exposure to the force field of toxic emotional abuse by a narcissist (or other psychological abuser) in your family:

1) If the toxic individual (whether family member/friend/boss/lover/ex-lover/colleague) will be present at the family gathering, you are under no obligation to attend. It is okay to bow out of any commitment where you feel you will be exposed to further emotional abuse. Remember that psychological abusers like to send FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt) -- if you are feeling immersed in the FOG haze, likely a manipulative tactic has been deployed to cause you cognitive dissonance and emotional pain. Again, protect yourself and place your emotional well-being as number one. That action is not selfish -- it is an act of self-care.

2) You can go No Contact with toxic family members, just like you would with a toxic ex. It may feel guilt-inducing, and other family members may not understand why you have chosen to proceed with No Contact. However, remind yourself that you have every right to protect yourself from psychological harm. The toxic family member may have done a very skilled acting job of convincing others that you are the crazy one (projection/blame-shifting) or that they are just perfect (false mask) and why would you treat them so unfairly (playing the victim)?... Stick to your fortitude and know you are setting a healthy boundary by protecting your emotional and physical health from further abuse by a toxic person. You don't need to justify or explain it to any one.

3) Such like an abusive ex, if a toxic family member is harassing, stalking, or generating unwanted contact, you have every right to pursue legal action and consult with an attorney or Legal Aid regarding filing a restraining order and other protections (like a Cease and Desist Order). The added layer of legal protection is an additional barrier of accountability and potentially containment of an abuser. Narcissistic people do not want to be exposed for their transgressions.

4) Seek psychological counseling to receive support for separating and extricating from toxic family systems. There are licensed therapists who specialize in helping to empower their clients from a strengths-focused (versus victim-shaming/blaming) perspective. Interview potential mental health professionals who are trauma-informed and know something about narcissistic abuse, to be sure you feel empowered, not shamed or blamed. Good psychotherapy can be invaluable in healing from any residual trauma, depression, anxiety that has stemmed from a family system perpetuating narcissistic (or other forms of) abuse.

5) If your tribe (by blood) has some toxic members, you can create your own tribe of unconditionally supportive, authentic and safe members -- these individuals don't have to be related to you by blood. They can be friends, colleagues, neighbors. Look for authenticity, integrity, reciprocity, compassion, empathy, honesty, accountability and compromise as important features in healthy relationships.

6) If a toxic person wants to get better, you can't do the work for them. They have to figure out their own pathway of healing and connect with the motivation to do so, and usually that involves a ton of therapy over a long period of time. Just because someone begs and pleads for you to stay in the relationship (whether familial or romantic), doesn't mean you are obligated to do so. If a person is capable of change, you are going to see evidence of sustained, continuous behavioral change over a lengthy period of time, with evidence of accountability and empathy and remorse for harm caused. For individuals who are further on the spectrum of narcissism, change is very limited and so is insight. A malignant narcissist/psychopath will not change...they are sadly welded to their ways and hardwired to be who they are. Someone with "traits" of narcissism may have some limited ability to shift and change if they can harness some insight and empathy.

7) It is not your job to diagnose your family member or determine "where" on the spectrum of narcissism your family member lies. What you need to focus on is : YOU.  I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding a skilled, strengths-focused clinician to assist with healing.

8) Read up on narcissistic abuse and family systems to understand your situation and gain some detachment and distance from the emotional pain. (see below for resources)

9) Self-care -- you've heard the word, do the action...good sleep, good nutrition, exercise, strong social supports. Yoga, meditation, stress reduction exercise, omega-3 fish oil, nature, journaling. Boom.

10) Have hope that you will move through the pain. Whether or not your family member is capable of repairing the hurt, you will move on to have healthy connections with healthy members of your tribe or those who you have vetted to become a part of your newly founded tribe. We are social creatures as human beings; humans need and deserve to be surrounded and supported by people who are trustworthy and respectful. Bottom line.

Resources:

McBride, Karyl (2009) Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, Atria Publishing. (references daughters of narcissistic mothers -- however, substitute appropriate gender pronoun -- the book does a good job of explaining narcissistic family systems)

narcissisticbehavior.net -- Christine Louis de Canonville's website on narcissistic abuse recovery

selfcarehaven.org -- Shahida Arabi's website on narcissistic abuse recovery 

blogtalkradio.com/mentalhealthnews -- Kristin Walker's podcast programs interviewing experts in narcissistic abuse recovery field







8 Comments
Helen
10/2/2017 04:15:17 pm

Thank you for your blog post. I'm dealing with narcissistic abuse by family member, which includes a vicious smear campaign not only with other family members but also most of my friends. It's an awful situation to be in, especially since the psychological abuse is done by someone I once trusted, my own sister. I'm hoping to get the right kind of support so I can heal from all this eventually.

Reply
Andrea Schneider link
12/19/2017 11:36:33 am

Thanks for your feedback. Sincerely hope you can obtain qualified and supportive help to guide you through healing. Please email me if you need some resources. Andrea

Reply
Elle
2/7/2018 01:05:55 pm

May it help to know... You are not alone...You dont need to defend yourself. Develop some healthy friendships and leave this sick to themself. You deserve to be treated like a human being with dignity!

Reply
Molly
4/21/2018 05:15:41 pm

Thanks for for the helpful tips. Am struggling after my brothers wife has finally divided the family through attack and blame over such a trivial incident. She was confronted and went into full swing victim-tantrum mode and has forced estrangement of my brother & my nieces from our family. She even defamed me on her face book page with more victim tantrums and painted me as a monster yet the truth is I’ve not said a word to her - just tolerated her abuse for 20 years.
The painful part is that we no longer see my brother and my nieces as she has forced this estrangement on them- placing full blame on me- as she desperately needed someone to hate and chose me even though others confronted her.
Needing a lot of therapy as the pain of the attacks and abuse and mourning the loss of my brother and nieces.

Reply
Andrea Schneider link
4/22/2018 09:20:00 am

Hi Molly -- I am glad the article was helpful. Sounds as though you are going through a difficult time. Feel free to contact me directly if you are in need of resources local to your area.

Reply
Molly
10/9/2018 08:00:52 am

Thanks Andrea, I’ll be in touch.

Kelli
7/6/2018 05:30:24 pm

Thank you so much. My mother and daughter exhibit sociopathic behaviors. My son narcissistic behaviors. I've been a physical and verbal punching bag. You finally convinced me to let go of my son. I thought I could get him to recognize his behaviors and start a change. I needed a professional to say let go.

Reply
kay link
11/5/2018 06:47:10 am

iv recently realised my sister has manipulated me most of mtyy life.
I am in Essex caring for my mother and shes in California with her family. has adnmitted now she wanted to get away.
shes undermined anything I wanted to do amnd now where I live very little is available.
I cant get qaway till my mum dies and my own health is getting bad already.
iv missed my life and don't know what to do.
I had a trauma as a teen and this was always been blamed for my problems. it may have partly been so but I now know its not everything. my sisters attitude was part of it. shes so clever my mum is on her side. I always knew there was something going on with the elder sisters but don't know what to do now.Im 62 and missed everything almost. cant get away for now

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    Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

    Psychotherapist

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