By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

Well, April just flew by and we are suddenly entering May...which for many mothers is a joyful time to embrace and partake of festivities, also honoring seasoned caregivers who play a strong role in nurturing the new generation of nurturers. However, for some childbearing women, motherhood may not be a happy time. Due to a range of reasons , approximately 20% (or more) of all childbearing women may experience perinatal depression or anxiety (PSI, 2017).  It is never a woman's fault that she develops perinatal depression/anxiety (PMAD). Rather, a complex interplay of biological, hormonal, neurological, and environmental events can blend to create the perfect storm for an "episode." Fortunately, these eruptions of psychological pain are temporary and can be resolved with excellent care by trained practitioners (therapists, psychiatrists, doulas, lactation consultants, pediatricians, Ob/Gyns) and a supportive tribe of helpers (healthy extended family and friends, etc).

Furthermore, a subset of those women who experience a PMAD also have relationship trauma/loss history which can include physical, emotional, sexual abuse by a prior caregiver/parent or a current romantic relationship. It is these women who are exponentially more vulnerable to not only developing a PMAD but also experiencing more severe "episodes", due to the layers of trauma/loss woven into the already challenging sleep deprivation, hormonal fluctuations, role and identity changes that jolt a new mother into this chapter of her life. It is this subset of women which I am devoting this article to, in an effort to provide some solace, that there is hope to heal and recover, even in the face of the Hallmark commercials depicting the myths and expectations of what motherhood "should" look like, but very clearly does not for many women.

So, May is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month, and with that comes social media posts galore about the prevalence of maternal depression and anxiety. Thankfully, with the help of the internet age and technology, maternal mental health is one of the "in" topics addressed across all dimensions of media. In general, I am pleased to see mental health awareness evolving into a less stigmatized topic over the span of the last decade and beyond. However, even with a tremendous amount of advocacy on many levels,  there is still much work to be done to completely incorporate maternal and family wellness from the standpoint of mental health into the mainstream discussion and to ensure adequate and competent care for mothers and families. Many organizations have worked and continue to work diligently to press for legislation, training, and awareness of maternal mental health (some of those are listed at the bottom of the article).  Barriers to care continue to be a problem for families who are disadvantaged, impoverished, or face financial, geographical or discriminatory challenges of any kind. Women in unsafe relationships (whether familial, romantic or work related) are particularly isolated and at risk for a more complicated recovery unless they are linked with supportive and competent mental health care which includes a trauma-informed approach.

Karyl McBride, PhD, P.C., is considered one of the pioneers in the research, writing and treating of adult children of narcissistic parents. Her website, books, and literature are groundbreaking and very helpful for adult survivors of psychological abuse by a narcissistic parent. I often refer my mom clients to Dr. McBride's writings when I discover that my client carries the trauma of emotional abuse, with her family-of-origin pain is rising back up in the form of flashbacks. At just the moment my client is trying to bond with her baby and make the passage to motherhood, she may be plagued with feelings of doubting her ability to be able to love her own baby unconditionally based upon the blueprint she was given as a child. With support and trauma-informed counseling, my mama clients who have been impacted by narcissistic abuse do move through pain and healing to attach and bond in a healthy manner with their babies.  Without competent and compassionate help, these new moms would be passing on another generation of unresolved trauma to their offspring. Again, not all moms who experience a PMAD have a history of narcissistic abuse by a caregiver (or romantic partner), but for those who do, this trauma is sure to rise up at just the moment she is attempting to embrace the joy of motherhood. Likewise, if a mother is in a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner or is employed in a toxic work environment with emotionally abusive personnel, she is also more at risk for developing a PMAD. These psychological stressors are additional risk factors that magnify the dramatic hormonal, biochemical, and role transition dynamics in a new mom's passage to motherhood.

In providing psychotherapy for a new mom with a PMAD who also has a history of narcissistic abuse (either in family-of-origin or in a romantic or work relationship), I will not only provide the evidence-based interventions (for PMADs) of mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy and interpersonal therapy, I will also blend in other trauma-informed approaches that support my client in working through some very complex relationship dynamics. Some of these approaches may involve expressive arts,  trauma-informed approaches which include bilateral simulation (such as EMDR and other techniques), and lots of psychoeducation and therapy about narcissistic abuse recovery, boundaries, reclaiming self-worth, and creating a safe tribe of supportive others, to name just a few.  Acute depression and anxiety symptoms may lift fairly quickly with interventions addressing PMADs, while the more long-term work delves into family-of-origin, trauma/loss and attachment concerns. 

I find that it is helpful to provide some bullet points for the new moms I work with, for those who have been raised by a narcissistic caregiver, as Mother's Day approaches. So as to fully embrace the special day for the new mom:

1. Be sure to seek and obtain qualified psychological support with a trained, compassionate and competent trauma-informed psychotherapist who knows about maternal mental health primarily to address acute symptoms. If that therapist is trauma-informed and has training in narcissistic abuse recovery, longer-term work can address resolving psychological abuse history.  (Both areas are highly specialized). You can research provider names through PSI for PMADs. You will have to dig further on a google search to find a provider who also knows about psychological abuse from a trauma-informed perspective...Ideally, the provider will know something about both specialties. With help, you will be well. Once PMAD symptoms are stabilized with a specialist, you may need to be referred to a therapist who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery if your current clinician is not knowledgable about that subspecialty. Again, the ideal is to work with a skilled clinician who can address not only the PMAD but any trauma/loss history that also encapsulates and magnifies emotional pain.

2.  Seek out social support in the form of new mom support groups specific to PMADs and also Adult Survivors of Narcissistic Parents.  Stabilize depression and anxiety symptoms first and then tackle the deeper trauma issues at a pace that is not overwhelming. Narcissistic abuse recovery is multi-faceted and will take a good bit of time past resolving the PMAD. PMADs can be resolved in 2-3 months for some women (the clinical symptoms of depression and anxiety). Trauma and loss issues may take quite a bit longer to work through. But with qualified support and reduced isolation, relief is on it's way in waves. Like a cake, the client is excavating through the layers of healing. 

3.  Build your tribe of authentic helpers whom you trust with baby care, running errands, dropping off meals. These individuals may be related to you or not, hired or volunteer. New moms need to be nurtured so they can nurture and bond with their babies. Any person that triggers a prior trauma or is abusive in any way shape or form does not belong in your inner circle or tribe. 

4. Set clear boundaries about your availability for any family gatherings. Put your own self-care as number one. Self-care is NOT selfish. Self-care is vital to the recovery of a PMAD, not to mention the long term tough work of trauma resolution. Again, you are not obligated to attend any function that exhausts you or diminishes your mental or physical health in any way.

5. Find a pathway to honor yourself on Mother's Day if it is not possible to be in the presence of family members who are safe emotionally. Again, consult your safe tribe of supportive others who can help to celebrate you in a way that feels good. Maybe you'd just like to be in bed all day taking a luxurious nap. A bubble bath. Have food brought to you. Receive a foot massage. Be treated like the Queen you are on your special day by people in your circle that you trust.

This article just barely touches the tip of the iceberg as relates to the intersection of PMADs and recovery in narcissistic abuse. I can assure you that more writing and research is in the works. Again, not all moms with PMADs have experienced narcissistic or psychological abuse. But many have, and those are the mamas that are not only struggling with sleep deprivation, hormonal fluctuations more dramatic than a seismograph, extreme fatigue, mood shifts, panic,,,but they are also dealing with flashbacks and unresolved complicated grief from prior instances of abuse either from family-of-origin, work, or romantic relationships. The good news is that with help, moms recover. All moms and their families deserve access to qualified competent and compassionate care. If you or your loved one is seeking help for recovery from a PMAD or in need of a trauma-informed therapist who is versed in narcissistic abuse recovery, see the resources below for additional support.



Resources:

(PMADs)
Postpartum Support International --largest non-profit in the world dedicated to women's reproductive mental health; list of volunteer coordinators in each state of U.S. and many countries who will link moms and partners with resources and providers, as well as warmline support.
www.postpartum.net

Maternal Mental Health Now-- Los Angeles based advocacy group provides list of providers in L.A. County; trainings, policy, advocacy, resources, research  www.maternalmentalhealthnow.org

2020 Mom-- national organization whose mission is "closing gaps in maternal mental health care through education, advocacy, and collaboration. " www.2020mom.org


(Narcissistic Abuse Recovery)
Christine Louis de Canonville - www.narcissisticbehavior.net -- pioneer therapist in narcissistic abuse recovery; author of The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking The Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse; prolific writer, speaker, therapist

Kristin Walker  - CEO of Mental Health News Radio and everythingehr.com; has internationally recognized podcasts and radio programs specifically addressing mental health and the subject of narcissistic abuse recovery with wide-ranging speakers and specialists; excellent resource; advocate, writer, life coach.

Karyl McBride - www.karylmcbridephd.com  -- pioneer therapist, writer, researcher on adult survivors of parental narcissistic abuse; articles and books as well as resources available on her website; also addresses high conflict divorce with narcissistic partner

Eleanor Payson --www.eleanorpayson.com -- one of the first therapists to address narcissistic abuse in 3 settings of family, work and love relationships; author of The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family

Linda Martinez-Lewi  - www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com -- pioneer therapist in the field addressing narcissistic abuse in all life domains; prolific writer, advocate and therapist.

Shahida Arabi - www.selfcarehaven.wordpress.com - prolific writer and advocate for narcissistic abuse survivors, specifically from romantic relationships

** Please note that there are more fantastic resources for both PMADs and narcissistic abuse recovery -- I have an extensive list if you would like to email me for more information. ** Kind regards in healing - Andrea Schneider, LCSW




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By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

So many of the clients I work with report to me that their friends and family, although well-meaning, say and do things that exacerbate the pain of healing in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. People are exposed to this form of emotional abuse in love, work, family or friendships. Particularly in the area of romantic relationships, I hear so often from clients that friends and family say things such as, "Just get over it! This is taking way too long!" or  "He was a jerk! Why do you feel like you still love him after all this time?" or " You sound like the crazy one because you keep talking about her non-stop!" or "I don't understand why you can't just start dating someone else and move on." 

These comments are not helpful to the survivor of narcissistic abuse. Although most all well-meaning and empathic friends and family have difficulty witnessing the pain of their loved one and the suffering they are experiencing after being in a relationship with an abuser, there are word choices and actions you can take that are more empowering for your loved one who is going through tremendous emotional pain. Try to look at this situation as a persnickety illness or infection that is taking a while to completely shake out of the system...and be patient during the process of healing from traumatic loss. Your friend/family member will thank you.

Here's what you can do:

1. Do validate and listen. Listen to your loved one's story and pain. Part of the healing for survivors of emotional abuse is having a safe other(s) witness/hear/validate their story of pain and healing.

2. Do encourage your loved one to get psychotherapy with a trauma-informed therapist.  This form of psychological abuse results in PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and other clinical conditions that require treatment by a licensed psychotherapist. The survivor needs time to grieve the traumatic loss.

3. Do educate yourself  on narcissistic abuse:  For example, read my articles entitled What is A Narcissist?: A Primer for the Layperson and Finding Peace After a Toxic Relationship.

4. Do know that it is NOT your job to heal or fix your loved one. See #2.

5. Your job is to offer unconditional empathy and comfort to your loved one. If there is something you do not understand about narcissistic abuse, ask your loved one. They likely will have read a library of articles and books on the subject in their quest to reduce the cognitive dissonance associated with narcissistic abuse. (see articles on cognitive dissonance, gas lighting, and silent treatment)

​6. Do understand that your loved one is in the process of breaking a trauma bond with an abuser. Please read about what a trauma bond is, why the attachment is like crazy glue, and why your loved one is likely feeling like they are going through withdrawal from a bad drug (albeit temporarily).

7. Do encourage your loved one to engage in self-care, including: good sleep and nutrition, exercise, positive social supports.

8. Do provide hope that things will be better. Because they will. Keep helping your loved one to envision what life will be like free of emotional pain. Recovery can and does happen with sustained effort, fortitude and endurance. 

9. Empower him/her. Pathological people seek out smart, successful, empathic people as targets for their abuse. It is because of their emotional IQ and compassion that the survivor was targeted.  S/he will heal in time and reclaim their wellness.

Here's what you can refrain from doing:

1. Do not blame, shame, or criticize your loved one.  

2. Question the timing of the healing process and how long it seems to be taking to heal (on average, with solid No Contact with an abuser, a survivor may take at minimum 18 months to really heal from the traumatic relationship, and usually longer even with psychotherapy and other interventions).

3. Do not encourage contact with the abuser. Part of the healing process is breaking free from a pathological person and going No Contact (or Limited Contact in the case that that the survivor shares children/a business).

4. Do not suggest the survivor is responsible for their abuse. Abuse is never ok. There is no excuse for abuse, and it is not the survivor's fault.

5. Do not intervene between the survivor and the narcissist. Allow the survivor to be empowered to seek out his/her own qualified therapy and legal support. 

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

When a person is reeling in the aftermath of a toxic relationship, there are a number of steps towards finding inner peace that can help the survivor to transcend emotional pain.  It is inevitable that most people will encounter toxic people in either work, family, friendship or love relationships.  The abusive person need not have a full blown diagnosis of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or psychopathy to cause emotional harm. Just possessing a few of the traits of pathological Cluster B personality disorders can render any contact with such a person equating to emotional harm and pain (Brown, 2009). The good news is that once armed with information about how to protect oneself from deceptive, toxic people, healthy individuals develop a discerning shield in terms of their intimate relationships.  And in circumstances where a survivor has unfortunately been blindsided by a malignant narcissist or other toxic person, there is hope for healing and finding balance and good health.

I want to emphasize that experiencing a toxic relationship with an abuser is traumatic for the survivor.  In the aftermath of narcissistic (or psychopathic) abuse, individuals can experience depression, anxiety, PTSD, C-PTSD (complex-PTSD), somatic pain, and  panic attacks.  Being in the force field of a pathological abuser for any length of time (but especially during chronic, long-term circumstances) results in psychological harm for the survivor. With that, it is imperative that the survivor seek out and obtain qualified psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional who is trained in trauma-informed care and who knows about narcissistic/psychopathic abuse.  Life coaching by survivors can be very beneficial as well, to provide validation and confirmation. However, because recovery from toxic relationships can feel like you are emerging from the Dark Side with a complex constellation of clinical concerns (see above), you require recovery with a clinician (psychotherapist) who understands the delicate interplay of trauma, healing from abusive relationships, and has the training to provide such interventions. If someone you are working with claims to be able to "treat" these clinical concerns, and they are not, in fact, a licensed clinician, they are practicing unethically and illegally, and out of their scope. Buyer beware. The good news is that there is a growing number of therapists who are trained in this specialty.  Look for a trauma-informed, strengths-focused, empowering clinician to help you in your recovery.

The following are some suggestions for survivors that I provide for my clients in my own private practice. In the aftermath of abuse in a toxic relationship, survivors need and deserve inner peace and healing:

* As mentioned above, connect with a qualified helping professional who can address the very intricate and specific nuances of C-PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. Healing will take some time, and the traumatic grief resulting from the toxic relationship requires an "unpacking" that is multi-layered in the presence of a caring, empathic, non-judgmental specialist (In some circumstances telehealth consultation may be appropriate for individuals who are geographically far from specialists).  In-person trauma-informed clinicians can also provide EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) interventions which help the brain to release how trauma is encoded. Trauma-informed clinicians may practice other interventions such as Emotional Freedom Technique, somatic experiencing, mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy and/or expressive arts. You need to research and inquire how your trauma-informed clinician approaches trauma release and integrating wellness into the treatment plan. 

*Surround yourself with caring and authentic others in your tribe -- these people may be family, friends, colleagues, helping professionals, acquaintances. Part of the healing in the aftermath of a toxic relationship is continuing to experience safety and belonging in healthy circles of support. For people who do not have family or friends nearby, it is especially imperative to seek out qualified helping professionals who can serve in the form of a "safe holding environment" (Winnicott, 1973) as the survivor is building her tribe of caring others.  A word about online forums: some may be helpful, but many are not supervised by trained professionals. Some forums are magnets for cyberstalkers and trolls. Again, buyer beware. An in-person support group facilitated by a trained clinician and specific to healing from toxic relationships is ideal. Barring that, online support groups supervised and facilitated by trained and empowering professionals would be an alternative. 

* Go No Contact with any abusive person. If you share children or have to work with this individual, you can do Limited Contact, whereby your only communication is either strictly related to parenting (in which case you can use computer software like Family Wizard that is monitored by your attorney/the courts or in the case of work, keep conversation and communication strictly for business purposes and with a witness/second party present). Ideally and optimally for complete healing, at minimum Limited Contact (and only in the circumstances mentioned) , and in all other cases, absolutely No Contact. With No Contact, that's when healing really begins. The toxic forcefield of the abuser is removed/unshackled, and the survivor has the opportunity to thrive again.
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*Practice supreme self-care. Taking care of oneself is not selfish. Self-care practices that are vital to healing and target all aspects of health: physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and mental.  This includes:
                     * exercise: at least 30 minutes daily, preferably in the sun and in nature. If you live in a cold climate, getting outside is still important (snow-shoeing, cross-country skiing, etc). Studies show that immersing oneself in nature has multiple mental health benefits, particularly hiking (Bratman, 2015).  Exercise lifts serotonin and endorphins, which are feel-good chemicals our body and mind need to operate smoothly and without depression or anxiety. Twenty minutes of sunshine/day lifts Vitamin D in our bodies (a deficit of this vitamin can result in depression).
                    *Physiological release of pent up tension from trauma: in the form of yoga, meditation, journaling, kick-boxing, massage. Studies show that our bodies hold trauma; we must physiologically release trauma in a healthy way (van der Kolk, 2015). 
                       *Connect with spiritual affiliation, whether that is in an organized religious institution or as a solo practitioner - having a sense of peace from a Higher Power, through prayer, reiki, meditation, nature, etc can have very beneficial impact on the healing journey. 
                             *Expressive arts release-- one of the key mechanisms in releasing trauma is expressing the "felt" pain in a sensory manner (Malchiodi, 2015).  Locate a trained trauma-informed expressive arts practitioner to help you with this component of healing. (Side note: coloring books are not art therapy. They can be very helpful with mindfulness, but they are NOT a substitute for expressive arts trauma-informed therapy.)
                          *Good nutrition and sleep hygiene. Studies show we must have at least 5 consecutive (without interruption) hours of sleep to have a complete sleep cycle. When that is disrupted (for whatever reason but often by insomnia where trauma is concerned), depression and anxiety results due to plummeting serotonin levels. Tackling excellent sleep is imperative for healing. Some individuals may need to consult with a health practitioner about possible options for melatonin or sleeping aids (temporarily), stress reduction exercises before sleep, etc.  Good nutrition is equally important. You don't need to purchase expensive supplements to nourish your body with good nutrition. Studies show that omega-3 fish oil is excellent in protecting the brain against depression and anxiety (among other wonderful benefits) (Kendall-Tackett, 2014). Research healthy meals that are abundant in fiber, protein, fruits and veggies. Remember to drink ample water, reduce (or eliminate) caffeine and alcohol consumption.
                                     *Routines are important. The brain needs time to work through the trauma, cognitive dissonance, anxiety/depression after having been in a toxic relationship. Therefore, giving your brain ample time to be bathed in logic and creative expression is key to providing relief for the intensity of emotions in the aftermath of trauma. For example, if you find you are ruminating over a abusive relationship, it will be helpful to problem solve with your therapist a list of logical or creative actions you can take to get your mind off being stuck on flashbacks. Some suggestions may include, keeping your regular routine in place (for work, etc). Keep the brain focused on logical activities that require getting out of the emotional brain (sometimes a crossword puzzle or Words with Friends can zap you back into logical thinking and reasoning). Some of my clients like to do projects that help them with mindfulness, like crafting, knitting, playing a musical instrument, or just "puttering" around the house with various organizing or cleaning projects.
                                        *Keep a journal for when intrusive thoughts surface, because they will. And you will need help dismantling the cognitive dissonance associated with psychological abuse-- by a trauma-informed therapist. Alternatively, Zen Doodle or a sketch pad can be used as a visual journal in expressing and releasing any intrusive thoughts. As well, give yourself permission to grieve the traumatic loss of someone who betrayed you. Therapy will be important to guide you through traumatic loss, walking through the stages of grief, and healing the traumas associated with that connection.

Healing takes time and is multi-layered. The above are only a few suggestions on the pathway to healing. So much of the work is done in the therapy session and in homework assignments as you heal from trauma. Again, I emphasize the importance of working with a trained trauma-informed , strengths-focused clinician, nuanced in narcissistic/psychopathic abuse recovery. We are out there. We love helping people heal. It is an honor and privilege to bear witness to the healing my clients go through. I have seen the most courageous and fierce survivors rise from the ashes and emerge, soaring again in good health, inner peace, and wellness. So can you. Begin today!
                                   

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

When an empowered individual who possesses qualities of high emotional IQ enters into a love relationship, s/he isn't knowingly signing up for a Manipulation of Grand Scale.  However, in circumstances were a person has fallen head over heals for a narcissist (or other personality disordered individual), they are most definitely entering into a relationship in which they will be harmed by their seeming knight-in-shining armor.  As part of their recovery, survivors of narcissistic abuse often perform a "postmortem" on their relationship in therapy regarding their narcissistic abuser. This autopsy of emotional abuse allows the survivor to recount and detect when the red flags of manipulation began in the cycle of abuse, thus fortifying the survivor and empowering him/her to be on the look-out to detect such warning signs in future relationships.

When a pathological person targets an individual for a love relationship, they have ascertained that the prospect has qualities that will generate a copious volume of narcissistic supply (or ego fuel). Sandra Brown (2009) defines these characteristics as "supertraits" in her groundbreaking book, Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists.  Desirable preferred qualities in a love object would include high empathy, cooperativeness, extraversion, competitiveness, goal-orientation, and ambition professionally, among other qualities. These facets of personality are hardly the often-termed labels "codependent" or "love addict", which serves to reinforce victim-blaming and shaming. On the contrary, pathological and personality-disordered people actually seek to extract ego fuel from highly successful, confident, caring, and beautiful partners.  Not to say that some targets may have their own trauma history blueprint which renders the pathological person "familiar" to the survivor.  Yet it is intriguing that NO ONE is immune from the potential predation of a narcissist/psychopath. That being said, there are red flags a person can look out for to be alerted to a potential manipulation before they allow themselves to fall head-over-heels with Mr./Ms. Too-Good-To-Be-True.

Signs that a person has potentially encountered a manipulative dating partner with possible nefarious intentions are the following:

1. Love-bombing/Future-faking:  At the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath, targets describe being literally swept off their feet and being caught up in the rapture of the effects of love-bombing.  This manipulation tactic is a pathological person's attempt to hook their partner into the intoxicating high of the idealization stage of the relationship. Narcissistic people shower their love objects with charm, affection, gifts, non-stop phone calls/texts/emails, dates, marathon sex, promises of future blending of lives, marriage proposals, pregnancy. The abuser makes themselves so relevant and omnipresent that the love object becomes laser-focused on their new love, to the exclusion of any thing grounding her in logic and reality-testing. Often targets report feeling rushed into the relationship and not having the time to discern how they are truly feeling about their lover, being that chemical cocktails of oxytoxin, endorphins and dopamine are surging during the time of hastened pacing of infatuation. This "other-worldy" experience is literally intoxicating for the target, who feels like s/he is high on the best mood-elevating drug ever...and s/he is...with the love-bombing cocktail her narcissistic partner has thrown at her like a grenade. The target easily bonds to the abuser because s/he is capable of true intimacy, empathy and vulnerability. The narcissistic abuser can attach to their partner but they cannot bond in a healthy way and easily detach like a leech, once the initial rush of ego fuel has them satiated.

2. Mind control seduction/ NLP techniques: Narcissistic/psychopathic individuals are very skilled in the use of flowery, suggestive language that is designed to seduce and induce trance states where the target feels anchored and bound to their abuser via imagery and story-telling.  The internet is filled with seduction websites that teach people how to deceptively seduce people through mind control, and no doubt abusive and deceptive suitors have taken notes (and practiced) these sinister techniques on many unwilling and unsuspecting targets.  Intense eye contact is also woven into the descriptive language that binds a target to her suitor. S/he may think her new partner is lovingly gazing into her eyes only to find out that truly, this intense gaze is more reptilian and predatory in nature. The abuser is really sizing up his prey and drinking in how he is going to extract maximum narcissistic supply, with generous infusions of power and control.  If your newfound lover is a sweet-talker and you find yourself in mesmerizing, trance-like states after spending time listening to him talk about how he will blend his life with your's, complete with vivid sensory detail, you would do yourself a favor to quickly obtain some smelling salts and wake up. Research mind control seduction techniques on the Web, and you will see exactly how your abuser is grooming you in the seduction stage so you will attach to him like Velcro.

3. Facade of altruism/heroism/outer mask: Many people in positions of power and successful  status in the professional world are healthy, authentic individuals. However, there are some who are very deceptively NOT healthy, and they hide behind the mask of doing good for the community (pastor, doctor, therapist, teacher, lawyer, politician, etc). This mask allows the predator to hide amongst the masses and extract Prime Grade Ego Fuel (attention, adulation, praise, and eventually emotional pain and suffering) from large quantities of people. In turn, pathological abusers can present as high functioning on the outside (or on a dating profile) at the beginning of a love relationship. With time, however, the mask inevitably slips, and the disordered underbelly is eventually revealed.

4. Gas-lighting:  Abusers will deploy this trick when they want to destabilize their love object, throwing them off-center. Extreme narcissists will retract something that they said or did and project onto their lover the insinuation that the lover made up the situation or is going crazy. The term was coined from the movie Gaslight (1944) starring Ingrid Bergman. Gaslighting results in cognitive dissonance, the state of confusion and dichotomous thinking that a person feels when they simultaneously feel love for their abuser and also know that their abuser is engaging in a form of psychological abuse, causing them harm. Gaslighting happens in the devaluation and discard stages, and will resume after a hoover if the target allows another cycle.

5. Projection/Blame-Shifting: An abuser verbally regurgitates his feelings onto his love object. Most often, an extreme narcissist ironically does not have high self worth and most definitely lacks solid insight.  Narcissists are not able to examine and acknowledge their own transgressions and inadequacies. Grandiosity prevents a narcissist from allowing him/herself to be vulnerable as a human being and examining areas of growth. Instead of accountability, a narcissist "vomits up" their buried feelings about themselves onto their love objects. Over time, the target is repetitively abused, shamed, blamed and castigated for the very issues the extreme narcissist committed. Eventually and with exposure to relentless and persistent projection and gaslighting, the target's self esteem plummets. 

6. Trauma Bond: Patrick Carnes discussed the notion of the trauma bond in his work, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships (1997). Narcissistic abusers are notorious for blending their love-bombing with abuse tactics such as gaslighting, the silent treatment, and projection to intersperse the devaluation stage of the trauma bond, sprinkled with crumbs of consideration here and there. the intermittent reinforcement of the dizzying cycle of abuse perpetuates the trauma bond, rendering otherwise very strong and fortified individuals as paralyzed and feeling chained to their abuser. Fortunately, this trauma bond can be broken with intensive therapy for the survivor and no contact with the abuser.
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7. The Silent Treatment: The silent treatment has been written about extensively and is a cruel form of emotional abuse, not to be confused with No Contact. A survivor goes No Contact when they have decided to end the relationship with their abuser, as a way to create a healthy and safe boundary and to end the emotional pain and suffering inflicted upon them by their abuser. Pathological abusers use the silent treatment to invoke a state of power and control over their victim. Often the love object has set a limit or a boundary, perhaps criticized and action of the narcissist (and rightfully so with the egregious behavior that surfaces during devalue and discard stages). In response, a narcissistic injury follows for the narcissist who cannot fathom having their grandiosity and "specialness" questioned. To punish their transgressor, the narcissist deploys the silent treatment for as long as the abuser sees fit to resume power and control in the relationship. Often, endings of relationships initiated by narcissists are extended silent treatments whereby the abuser hoovers at a later date to tap the target for additional ego fuel (if the survivor is willing the play the game again).



The above are just a few of the manipulation tactics a narcissistic/psychopathic abuser deploys in his arsenal of emotional mayhem.  Those who are dating and seeking romantic relationships need to be particularly careful to vet and take the time to get to know their dating partners.  Know your worth. Know that any thing legitimate and authentic is worth waiting for and taking the time to thoroughly explore and establish honesty, healthy boundaries, integrity, authenticity, empathy, vulnerability, reciprocity, accountability and compromise. Narcissistic abusers and psychopaths are not capable of any of those elements of high emotional IQ.  They may pretend to imbue those qualities, as they are masterful actors. Always check in with yourself and pace the dating relationship. Again, know your worth. You hold the power there.

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

"I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know where I'm a gonna go
when the volcano blow..."
JImmy Buffett


Extreme narcissistic abusers are infamous for exploding their wrath and fury on romantic partners/family members/colleagues, as a result of incurring a significant narcissistic injury.  When presented with a (generally reasonable) boundary, limit, or criticism, narcissistic individuals who fall closer on the spectrum to NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or its more extreme cousin, malignant narcissism, will react with profound rage. What other (non-personality disordered) individuals perceive as a healthy boundary, request or constructive criticism is interpreted (irrationally and illogically) by the narcissist as an egregious assault on their very fragile, vulnerable ego.

Many overt narcissists present with false bravado in such a way that their cowboy swagger/diva cattiness would likely not betray their vacuous inner psyche. However, to the close observer (or the significant other/family member/colleague) of the extreme narcissist, the arrogant, all-knowing facade is just that...a precariously balanced false mask trembling with the uncertainly of imminent toppling or worse yet, complete demise. The annihilation of the false self mask directly exposes the vulnerable, wounded true self within. For a narcissist, their true self is splintered, fractured, shattered...a fossilized mosaic pieced together from the shards of narcissistic supply sources. As a result of severe emotional abuse and neglect during formative years, the narcissist's core identity is that of shame. To expose their shame is to face the horror of feeling like a psychic black hole, amounting to rendering the narcissist non-existent. To survive such emotional obliteration, the narcissist affixes a false mask(s) to function in the outer world amongst non-personality disordered individuals. As long as the narcissist's sources of NS (narcissistic supply) are providing adequate infusions of positive and negative fuel, the narcissist percolates onward, topping him/herself off with the lifeblood of unknowing others.

If you are the unfortunate individual on the receiving end of the narcissist's wrath, you will likely feel shock and dismay at the sudden pyroclastic flow of fury steaming before your eyes. Often a narcissist's reaction to criticism, rejection or even a gentle boundary looks like verbal abuse, slander, silent treatment, gaslighting, projection, threatened abandonment, cyber-stalking, and sometimes physical abuse in more extreme circumstances. For those caught in the web of a romantic relationship with a narcissist, the resulting fury from a narcissistic injury is most often expressed via emotional and psychological abuse, as stated above.  Obviously, safety is of paramount importance to survivors of narcissistic abuse. If you feel afraid for your physical safety, immediately leave the premises and contact your local police and/or security department.  

Furthermore, the presence of narcissistic rage cycles cues the survivor in to the limitations of their narcissistic significant other as relates to lacking the essential qualities of accountability, compromise, empathy, vulnerability, integrity, and authenticity. A typical pattern of the narcissistic romantic relationship  cycle is that of idealize/devalue/discard/hoover-re-engagement/repeat cycle. Following the expression of the narcissistic rage, extreme abusers will often embark upon the silent treatment or may move to discard their significant other. It is only after experiencing witnessing firsthand that their perfect knight in shining armor/princess was really just a manipulative actor (and very studied in the art of love-bombing), that the survivor becomes acquainted with the facade so firmly affixed to the narcissist. It is devastating to the survivor to come to the realization that their significant other did not authentically love them on a mature level and likely does not have that capability. Lacking empathy, vulnerability, and a strong core sense of self, a narcissist is not able to love in any mature and healthy fashion. Sadly, anger, rage, jealousy, depression, and anxiety are the common emotions that exist bubbling beneath the surface of the false mask.

It is incumbent upon romantic partners to truly awaken to breaking the trauma bond with their narcissistic loved one. Future cycles will elongate and intensify the devalue and discard stages, further creating emotional harm to romantic partners. For the health and safety of the survivor, it is best to sever the relationship with the abuser, go No Contact (or Limited Contact if the partner shares children or a business), and obtain trauma-informed psychotherapy with a trained and qualified helping professional. Abuse is not okay in any form, nor is it the fault of the survivor. Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a sure thing when survivors connect with compassionate and competent healers, safe social supports, and do the work to reclaim healthy boundaries, fortify self-confidence and self-care, and heal traumatic loss. With help and motivation, a survivor will escape the fury of the narcissist and move on to create a healthy circle of support, soaring again in the next chapter of their lives. 

By Andrea Schneider, MSW, LCSW

Fuel (n.)  a substance that can be consumed to produce energy. 
Synonyms: diesel oil, gasoline, kerosene, coal oil, coal gas, fossil fuel, illuminant, combustible material, lamp oil, petrol, charcoal, fire, butane, gasoline, nuclear fuel, propane

Fuel (v.) provide with a combustible substance that provides energy
Synonyms: render, supply, provide, refuel, furnish, gas up, take up, take in


Survivors of narcissistic abuse are often caught in the crosshairs of dismantling cognitive dissonance in the aftermath of recovery. Part of the process of healing is acquiring a deep understanding and psychoeducation of the nature of narcissistic abuse. Survivors read about Narcissistic Supply (NS), or the "ego fuel" that narcissists require from their relationships to maintain their precariously fragile psychological innards.  As mentioned in other articles, we know that extreme narcissists exist without a solid core identity due to factors that, in many cases, stem from childhood abuse and lack of a consistent, nurturing caregiver. In order to fill their psychic void, narcissists spend the vast majority of their day- time energy mining for emotional reactions from the people in their lives. Emotional fuel can be positive, as in admiration, adulation, praise, empathy, compassion, attention, kindness, physical affection, and validation. Or it can be negative, as in an emotional response that shows anger, hurt, tears, humiliation, shame, yelling, embarrassment, and jealousy. Extreme narcissists use both forms of NS to top off their gas tank of ego fuel, although the negative emotional reaction is actually a more potent and high quality form of emotional propane.

Part of the healing process for survivors of this form of psychological abuse is the understanding that their narcissistic abuser actually did not feel empathy towards the survivor's pain and suffering. In fact, it is the sadistic extraction of NS as a result of causing emotional pain to the survivor that generates the most ego fuel for the abuser.  An extreme narcissist feels powerful and in control when they can simultaneously bolster up their love object on a pedestal and then subsequently wallop them off with abusive words.  For the extreme narcissist, the love relationship is not about love. It is about acquiring and extracting prime grade NS, or ego fuel, even at the expense of their love object's well-being. To an extreme narcissist, relationships exist for that reason alone.

The extreme narcissist actually seeks out high-empathy individuals to supply this delicious, exceptional quality ego fuel. If you are an individual who happens to be intuitive, empathic, compassionate, authentic, and a person of integrity, often extreme narcissists will target you for high grade premium combustion. Whether in work, love or family relationships, it is the reaction of a caring individual that fills the psychic void of the extreme narcissist parasite, because the abuser lacks those very qualities and is, in essence, seeking to absorb the exquisite emotional fuel from their host. Those abusers who tend toward the malignant end of the scale of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) deliberately seek to cause harm in a sadistic fashion so as to extract the NS of their love objects/subordinates/family members. They actually take pleasure in emotionally abusing a supply-source after a period of seduction/infatuation/love-bombing. Those abusers who are more garden-variety narcissists may not operate consciously to cause intentional harm but nonetheless, if emotional reaction fuel is available, then it will be taken and lapped up eagerly should the opportunity present itself.

What can a high-empathy, intuitive individual do to protect themselves from the seduction and mesmerizing advances of a pathological emotional vampire? First off, know your worth. Any relationship that is healthy takes time to gradually build with mutual vulnerability, reciprocity and trust-building. If you are suddenly slammed with a marriage proposal and you feel like it's too good to be true, the pace is dizzying, the sex is mystical, otherwordly, and spell-bounding, you best slow down and take a deep breath. More than likely your romantic partner has commenced love-bombing so as to secure you as a source of Grade A Narcissistic Supply. All the potent bonding chemicals of endorphins and oxytoxin are bathing your system to create an irresistible bond.  Devaluing and Discard will be shortly around the corner; what goes up must come down. And down it will come, with abusive language, silent treatments, gaslighting, verbal and emotional abuse and put-downs, blame-shifting/projection, and smear campaigns. Cortisol and adrenaline surge in the survivor during this trauma of emotional abuse. A trauma bond has been formed. All to elicit  ego fuel for the extreme narcissist. 

When survivors go No Contact from their abusers, they cease to provide that desirable cocktail of essential Narcissistic Supply. The survivor generates a shield of protection from further abuse by instigating and continuing with No Contact, in addition to healing from the trauma of emotional abuse by working with qualified helping professionals. Recovery work includes further reduction of cognitive dissonance through trauma-informed psychotherapy, enhancing self-esteem and fortifying boundaries, developing healthy and strong social support networks and self-care regimines, and of course working through the traumatic grief of the relationship. As a survivor heals through all these stages, s/he is able to hold on to their precious life energy which includes the beautiful qualities of empathy, integrity, authenticity, reciprocity, honesty, compromise, accountability, and compassion. The survivor turns these healthy qualities towards themselves and is empowered to share their psychological and emotional strengths with deserving and safe others who can reciprocate such compassion. The extreme narcissist eventually ceases to sink fangs in the survivor's neck, because the survivor has embraced his/her strength and inner knowing, fortifying self awareness and compassion with solid and healthy boundaries, strong social supports, and renewed self-confidence. When the inevitable hoover occurs, the soul vampire is not able to partake of a prior love interest's lifeblood. And eventually, the emotional abuse is extinguished. Healing for the survivor is inevitable with No Contact and trauma-informed psychotherapy with a compassionate psychotherapist skilled in understanding narcissistic abuse.